When Steve Jobs personally called Woodstock, Georgia native Louie Sulcer to tell him he’d won Apple’s iTunes Store 10 Billion Song Sold contest, Sulcer first thought was that he was being pranked.
The picture on the Rolling Stone article, while unrelated, is perfect.
To be fair to Sulcer, Steve Jobs and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak were notorious prank phone callers back in the 70s, abusing the Bell phone system with blue boxes.
A 'pizzacone' seems like an idea that's both interesting and disturbing. It's popular enough that I can't really consider it a Ridiculous Product.
The dough cones are shipped to Pinto daily from a Connecticut bakery, and each Pizzacone is made to order at the counter; you tell them what ingredients to add, and then it's cooked in the oven for five minutes.
The result, according to one early guinea pig, is as convenient as it is delicious.
Reports don't indicate that it's the case, but I can't help imagining that the middle of one of these is nothing but a lake of fire.
Update: I've just been pointed to this K!Pizzacone unboxing video, as well as the information that there are two sizes: K! and K!!. It's unclear how the hell one orders that.
Information Update
Phone calls and bank trips needed to initiate a change on my bank accounts: 3
Confirmation letters received to my "old address", making sure this change was authorized: 2 (one for each account)
Confirmation letters received at my "new address", informing me of the change: 1 (oddly, one letter for both accounts)
Changes of address I was actually making: 0
Number of letters I was removing from my name: 1
Understanding of why bank fees are so expensive, when it takes all this to go from Paul R. Kafasis to Paul Kafasis: High
TD Bank Redux
Number of days from when the new TD Bank put up their "Open 7 Days A Week" sign to when they opened (predicted): 85
Number of days from when the new TD Bank put up their "Open 7 Days A Week" sign to when they opened (actual): 107
Logic of putting a sign claiming to be open up first, and then finishing construction of the actual business: 0
Records
Encouragements to "go green", and use paperless electronic bank statements: Nearly ∞
Cost savings to the bank when I did so: >$0
Cost savings to me when I did so: $0
Months' worth of electronic statements my bank keeps readily available: 12
Cost to retrieve an older statement: $15
My understanding of the phrase "going green" in this context: "Reducing unnecessary use of paper, thereby saving trees".
Actual meaning of "going green" in this context: "Your green is going into the banks' coffers".
Readers from the Midwest may already be aware of this ridiculous product, but others may never have seen Homemade Brand Ice Cream. Nevertheless, it's quite real.
Their history indicates that after over four decades as "United Dairy Farmers" ice cream, they introduced a new premium ice cream. They state that it was named Homemade "for its use of heavy levels of fresh condiments and low overrun". Because when I think 'homemade', I think "low overruns".
The site also states "the line was the result of two years of research and 32 different test formulations". I don't know about you, but when I'm perfecting a recipe at home, that's about what I go through. I wear a lab coat while doing it, and I hold focus groups with neighborhood folk.
In closing, allow me to simply present the New Oxford American Dictionary definition for 'homemade':
I've done long-distance running for many years now, for exercise and fun. In the fall of 2009 I switched away from wearing traditional running shoes, instead opting to try the new Vibram FiveFingers (sometimes known as "Five Fingers" or "VFFs"), specifically the KSO model seen below.
Perhaps you've seen some of the articles on barefoot running, or Christopher McDougall's book Born To Run, and been intrigued by the idea. The FiveFingers are designed to match the physical experience of being barefoot, while still providing a protective sole for the bottom of your feet.
So after six months with them, how do I feel about the Vibram FiveFingers, I'm pretending you've asked? Allow me to answer your imaginary question, and review the Vibram FiveFingers, with a Pro/Con list. Hell, this is my site, I'm gonna do it anyway.
Pro: I'm wearing gloves, on my feet. Foot gloves!
Con: Whenever I talk about my foot gloves, people are all "What the hell are 'foot gloves'?".
Pro: I look like I have gorilla feet when wearing the FiveFingers.
Con: Unlike true gorilla feet, the Vibram FiveFingers do not grant me an opposable big toe.
Pro: I feel like some kind of awesome superhero when I wear the FiveFingers.
Con: While I have been running faster, a 7:30 per mile average would make me the slowest Flash ever.
Pro: Thin soles make the FiveFingers perfect for nighttime cat burglary and other skullduggery.
Con: Kleptomania is a serious problem, and these shoes are an unhealthy enabler.
Pro: Cute, fit girls want to talk to me about my strange and interesting shoes.
Con: Everyone else on the road wants to talk to me about my strange and interesting shoes.
Pro: I no longer need to wear socks when I run, which means ever-so-slightly less laundry.
Con: When I return from a long winter run here in Boston, it's not possible to know if I'm still wearing the shoes or I just have hypothermia1.
Pro: Speaking of laundry, the shoes are machine-washable and can be air-dried, leaving them clean and stink-free.
Con: My all-in-one washer/dryer spins even during the wash cycle, so it always sounds like there's an angry dwarf trapped in there.
Pro: The FiveFingers are extremely light and portable, making them easy to take when traveling.
Con: My stupid brain can no longer summon up an excuse to avoid running while traveling.
Pro: The snug, nearly-custom fit means you get to measure your feet to see what size you need. Who doesn't like measuring their own anatomy?
Con: This also means you'll wear a strange size, like a 41. That just sounds ridiculous!
Pro: The aforementioned nearly-custom sizing2 of the shoes means they're unlikely to be stolen.
Con: The jealousy of people with ill-proportioned toes, or just extra toes, is an ugly thing to behold. Even uglier than their disgusting, misshapen feet.
Pro: The Vibram FiveFingers are relatively inexpensive compared to most running shoes.
Con: Nevertheless, I have effectively paid $80 to not wear shoes.
All in all, I think the Vibram FiveFingers are pretty great, and I'd definitely recommend them to other runners. You'll need to ease into them, and at times you may be forced back into normal trainers due to weather, but once you start using the FiveFingers, you'll find they're great for running, hiking, and more.
Footnotes:
The FiveFingers are actually just fine for me in the cold. I've run in single digit temperatures without a problem. However, snow and slush are more of an issue than with traditional running shoes. ↩
My left shoe has two small tears in the upper portion. These don't affect much, but they're unsightly. However, my left foot is the bigger of the two, so I may have simply purchased a size too small. Next time I'll likely try one size up. ↩
A while back I needed to purchase a couple bar stools for my kitchen counter. I wasn't quite sure what I needed. Fortunately, I found all the answers I needed, on that magical place called the Internet.
Specifically, on Barstools4u.com, I found a fantastic info page which includes this image:
Here's how this would have gone down before the Web:
INT. FURNITURE SHOWROOM, LIT BY FLUORESCENT BULBS
A male CUSTOMER in a FRIENDS T-SHIRT and STONE-WASHED JEANS approaches a SALES REP, who sports a SWEATER VEST and DARK CORDUROY PANTS.
Customer: Hi. I'm looking to purchase some bar stools.
Sales Rep: Sure, we can help you there. I'm going to need to ask you some questions. First up, how high is your counter?
Customer: It hovers 42 inches off the ground.
Sales Rep: For that, I would recommend a 30-inch stool.
Customer: Ah, ok. I also have a 36-inch counter in my basement. That too hovers, unsupported by any base.
Sales Rep: Ehhhh, for that, you're probably looking at a 24 or 26-incher.
Customer: Got it. Now, I often wear, I dunno, some sort of helmet, when I eat? Will that change anything?
Sales Rep: Oh, no, not at all, you're all set there.
Customer: Ah, great, great. I'm going to browse around, looking at many different items in rapid succession without needing to click any buttons.
PULL BACK TO EXT. FURNITURE SHOWROOM, BEFORE FADING OUT
Prior to the Olympics, the world record holder for distance at Vancouver's Whistler normal ski jump was American Lindsey Van. In 2009, Van jumped 105.5 meters.
Van didn't get to defend this in the 2010 Olympics, however. While Lindsey may be a unisex name, Olympic ski jumping isn't a unisex sport, and Lindsey is a woman. There is no women's ski jumping in the Olympics, and women can't compete with the men.
As you can see from the individual results, just two men beat Van's record. The linked Time article goes into detail about why the IOC has chosen not to have the event, but no amount of explanation can change one simple fact: The world record holder for Vancouver's jump was ineligible to compete, solely because of her gender. That's not right.
I've returned from Macworld. Merlin Mann documented it well.
I'm contemplating zooming in and cropping everything else out, and making this my new avatar:
Back in August, I had jury duty. Because I served, I'm exempt until late 2012. So imagine my surprise when a scant six months after serving, I was told to appear again.
After serving, I scoffed when they told us "You'll receive a certificate indicating you've served. Be sure to hold on to this, as it will be the only proof you've served". This is the 21st century, isn't it? Surely they couldn't lose that information, right? But lose it they did.
Fortunately, Mama Kafasis didn't raise no dummy, despite what the grammar in the beginning of this very sentence might indicate. I held on to my certificate, and was thus able to send back a reply card indicating I was exempt, all the while grumbling about just how crappy their randomization system must be. Shortly after, I received a reply.
This reply was delighfully bureaucratic. In addition to telling me I didn't need to appear, it contained a comment card. The text on top reads:
We are interested in knowing how well you were treated by this office since receiving your summons. Below is a postcard where you may make comments if you wish. All remarks or suggestions are usually read, considered, and always treated confidentially.
All remarks are usually read? What the hell is that?
The most telling part of this card, however, is not the above quote. No, it's the fact that unlike the response card, this feedback card requires a stamp:
Enough is enough for me. Next time, I'm telling them both that I am a cop, and that I hate cops. That kind of crazy has got to get me on some kind of Do-Not-Summon list, right?
Barvd's third installment is here (What's Barvd?), so get ready to get nauseated! Grab a bucket and read away:
That's all pretty gross, and you're all sickening in my book. My disgusting, disgusting book.
Submit Your Own
Have you spotted your own disgusting tweets? Suggest them!
RSS FeedIf you like what you're reading, why not subscribe to One Foot Tsunami? It don't cost nothin'.
If you shop at Amazon, support One Foot Tsunami by clicking this button first:
