Not long ago, Visa introduced an ever-so-slightly exclusive credit card, the Black Card. While it may be a fine credit card, to go with it, they have a terrible and hilarious marketing site:

[Click to enlarge]

Take note of some of the “Exclusive Privileges”:

• Limited Membership

• Patent Pending Carbon Card

And my favorite privilege:

• $495 Annual Fee

The site loudly proclaims the Black Card as:

• The most prestigious and versatile credit card…The Black Card is not for everyone. In fact, it is limited to only 1% of U.S. residents

One percent, that’s a very small number! With an estimated 300 million people in the US, that means just 3 million people can get this card, so act fast!

The site also states:

• The Black Card is not just another piece of plastic…The Black Card is made with carbon, creating a more unique card, guaranteed to get you noticed.

Almost all credit cards are plastic. If you remember your junior-high level chemistry, you know that plastic is most frequently made with, yes, carbon. The Black Card is made with carbon, just like every other card. The Black Card is, in fact, just another piece of plastic.

Also, while it may be focusing too much on semantics, uniqueness is binary. Something is either unique or it isn’t, but it can’t be “more unique”.

Finally, if you feel like wasting two minutes of your life that you’ll never get back, check out the “Television Ad” on their site¹. The fact that the actual product isn’t mentioned until 1:44 into this video is dumb enough, but I find the whole thing just maddening.

What exactly is the ad trying to tell me? I can paint my toes, then put on sunglasses under my sunshielded full-face helmet so I can ride a motorcycle to a helicopter, then ride the helicopter to the ocean and jump out to get on a boat, which could surely have moored at the dock my waterfront house no doubt has, if I get this credit card?

At almost two minutes long this isn’t a television ad at all, it’s a movie theater ad. After all this, I’m terrified that I’m going to be forced to sit through this again in a theater soon, because there’s a very real possibility that I’ll get ejected for my loud and vociferous booing. So if you see an angry, deranged-looking man outside a movie theater, say hello – that might just be me!

Footnotes:

1. I’ve archived the video here, in case the site changes.   ↩

I’ve just returned from my first trip to South by Southwest, in Austin, Texas. As a first-timer, I learned a lot about the city and the conference. If you’re considering going in 2011, perhaps these facts and items will assist you.

• A badge for South by Southwest Interactive costs as much as $595. Don’t worry if you lose your badge however, as the replacement cost is just $595.

• Print is dead, except in the SXSW bag, as @Seoulbrother noted. After speaking with those in the know, I’ve learned that each and every bag contains the remains of over three and half trees, all of which died in vain.

• The printed directory included in the bag is 256 pages long and costs $40 to replace if you lose it. Each time a volunteer gives an attendee this book, she must tell the attendee this cost so as to impress upon him the importance of keeping the book safe. The attendee will not see this book again until his return flight, when he wonders what the hell is weighing his bag down.

• Unlike ski resorts, your badge is never scanned for entry at SXSW. Fortunately for the conference, this paper badge with a grainy black and white photo would be nearly impossible to forge, especially for the thousands of designers who attend the show.

• A tiny mustache is not in fact a requirement for SXSW, though you couldn’t be faulted for assuming it was.

• In Texas, all waffles must be shaped like the state, just in case you forget where you are.

• The Frost Bank Tower is the most noticeable building in Austin, and looks a lot like an owl. The story goes that it was designed by an architect who’d been rejected from University of Texas (in Austin) and went to Rice instead. Rice’s mascot is the Owl, making this a 515 foot tall middle finger to UT.

• Speaking of architecture, what is ‘early‘, anyway?

• SXSW taught me that when I hear someone say the words “social media strategist” or “brand consultant”, my mind mentally makes an entirely appropriate masturbatory gesture. At the same time, my hand physically makes an entirely inappropriate masturbatory gesture as well.

• Even after SXSW winds down and you head home, the eyes of Texas are upon you, and that’s more than a little creepy.

Yesterday, I mentioned the US Census, which will be arriving in mailboxes soon. However, you may have already received one “census”, specifically the:

2010 Congressional District Census
(Commissioned by the Republican Party)

Yes, the Republican National Committee sent out fundraising letters designed to look like the official national Census. That someone could think it was a reasonable idea to create a mock census, particularly in the year of the official Census, is bad enough. But the way this is framed¹ is absolutely bereft of even the slightest hint of human decency.

I received a later, slightly toned-down version of this “census”. It seems that complaints, either from recipients or the government itself, caused the Republicans to change things up a bit. Nevertheless, the version I received is still designed to look as official as possible:

• The outer envelope shows my congressional district, useful solely in making this appear official, as well as the instruction DO NOT DESTROY.

• The first line of the accompanying letter says “Your immediate action is required.”

• The survey itself again indicates my congressional district. It also reads * DO NOT DESTROY * DO NOT DESTROY * DO NOT DESTROY * DO NOT DESTROY * DO NOT DESTROY * and talks about things like “ensuring that this Registered Survey is properly accounted for”.

Was I fooled? No. Might some people be fooled? Absolutely, and that’s not good for the real Census. Fortunately, it appears the practice will be banned in the future, with even Republicans in the House realizing how heinous this really is.

Nevertheless, I filled out the survey truthfully, even the incredibly leading questions². I did have to modify the closing statement they provided for me, however. That modification is faithfully reproduced below.

Dear Chairman Steele,
I believe the principles and policies of the Republican Party are worth fighting for nearly non-existent and morally reprehensible, respectively. And I want to rebuild and refocus our Party all across the country to recruit and elect leaders that will listen to my concerns and fight for my interests. That’s why I am sending the RNC a supporting contribution snarky reply today.

Enclosed, please find my gift of: Something dense, just like you, to increase the postage cost.

I’m off to find some thin sheets of lead. They really shouldn’t have given me a postage-paid envelope.

Footnotes:

1. If you think you stomach it, you can download the full letter here.   ↩

2. Q: Do you support the creation of a national health insurance plan that would be administered by bureaucrats in Washington, D.C.?
   A: Yes. We’ve already got one called Medicare. And another called Medicaid. They work pretty damned well, you pathetic fearmongers.   ↩