I hate celebrity "news". My disdain for it should be obvious from the way I put quotes around the word news right there. But even worse is "celebrity" "news", coverage of people who've never themselves done anything noteworthy. Yet somehow, I couldn't help but be amused by a particular recent bit of "celebrity" "news". This story features a relative of the ridiculous Lindsay Lohan, a black card (or at least a knock-off), and Carvel ice cream. Best of all, it's got arrogance and self-conceit, followed by comeuppance, which is my absolute favorite kind of uppance.

The story starts in 2009, when Carvel Ice Cream was celebrating its 75th anniversary¹. Apparently, as part of this promotion, they issued a Carvel Black Card to 75 celebrities:

Presumably, the marketing thinking behind this was that such a card would draw the chosen celebrities into Carvel's stores. With the help of the paparazzi who would be sure to be taking pictures, Carvel would receive nearly free publicity. It seems like a solid enough plan, but it all goes off the rails when your list of chosen celebrities includes Lindsay Lohan (as well as her sister Ali).

This error in judgement was rapidly exposed, as Lindsay and Ali's mother Dina repeatedly used the card herself, without either of the girls present. According to Carvel:

These cards were issued in the celebrity’s name and require the card holder to be present at the time of use…Unfortunately, the Lohan family has been abusing the card. While the card was issued in Lindsay and Ali’s names only, their extended family has repeatedly used the card without either present.

The matter came to a head June 16th, when Dina Lohan attempted to use the card while picking up an ice cream cake. Upon being asked for ID, and having the card confiscated, the elder Ms. Lohan called the police. There's a good use of taxpayer dollars.

Ultimately the police returned the card to Ms. Lohan, though they instructed her not to use it again. She did not receive her ice cream cake free of charge, proving there's some justice in the world, even if it's just very stupid justice.

Speaking with Radar Online just after the incident, Ms. Lohan promised revenge:

"Just wait until Lindsay and Ali hear about this," she said. "When Ali gets back, I’m going to bring her in everyday to this store — and you can print that!"

You diabolical she-devil! Why, you'll eat them right out of business! However will Carvel respond?

At first, we graciously honored their requests while explaining that the Black Card was not a carte blanche for unlimited Carvel Ice Cream for the extended Lohan family and friends. After more than six months of numerous and large orders for ice cream, we finally had to cut off the card and take it back.

Oh. That's how.

What did the overweening Dina Lohan have to say about the incident?

"It just shows how we [Lohans] get treated so much worse than regular people²."

Perhaps the problem, Dina, is that you are so much worse than "regular people".

Footnotes:

1. According to Carvel's history, Tom Carvel first began selling ice cream in 1929 (80 years before 2009). The Carvel Corporation was founded in 1936 (74 years before 2009). So what happened 75 years before 2009, in 1934?

   1934
   Nation’s first retail ice cream company starts when Tom Carvel’s vending truck suffers a flat tire in Hartsdale, NY during Memorial Day Weekend, and he begins selling his melting ice cream from his broken down truck

   As far as I can tell, they were celebrating the 75th anniversary of a flat tire.   ↩

2. Honestly, "regular people"? You were treated worse than all the people who didn't receive an exclusive card for a lifetime of free ice cream?   ↩

Transcripts of the awkward endings of phone conversations I've had with customer service representatives.

Ordering tickets to a concert

Customer service rep: Enjoy the show!
Me: You too! Dammit.

Purchasing a new computer

Customer service rep: I hope you love your new computer!
Me: You too! Dammit.

Checking on travel plans

Customer service rep: You have a wonderful flight!
Me: You too! Dammit!

That last one really tripped me up, because it was Friday afternoon and my flight wasn't for several weeks.

It was a match played in England, but it wasn't cricket. No, this was a three day tennis match at Wimbledon, which began on Tuesday the 23rd. After John Isner and Nicolas had 3 hours on Tuesday, their match was postponed due to darkness, with the fifth set knotted 6-6.

The match resumed on Wednesday, with one of the men needing to win by 2 games, per Grand Slam tournaments no-fifth-set-tiebreaker rule. However, after 7 more hours of play and with the light fading, things remained knotted at an unbelievable 59-59 games. The first 4 sets had consisted of a total of 45 games, but this fifth set was now a ridiculous 118.

Finally, on day three of the match, Isner was able to break Mahut's serve, to win the fifth set 70 games to 68, and claim the match.

If you don't know tennis well, hand-wavy math says a typical set averages at or below 10 games. These two men played an insane 183 games total, well over 18 sets worth of tennis. You don't need to know much to know that that's just incredible.

Now, which one of the guys in this photo do you think is Isner, the winner?

[Click to enlarge]

Last week, Apple opened up pre-ordering for the iPhone 4. It was a mess, with AT&T's eligibility checker slowing to a crawl, and people trying for hours to get their pre-order in. After trying to get an order in a few times, I gave up and tweeted this:

• Fuck it, I'm buying a BlackBer-hahaha. Whee! I couldn't even get through that with a straight face.

What I originally planned to say was pithier:

• Fuck it, I'm buying a BlackBerry.

My concern was that people wouldn't get it. Discussing this concern with a friend, we came up with a brief scene entitled 'Crowd Reaction', which I've acted out. Enjoy!

(This performance contains strong adult language)