Archive for January, 2011

Here’s to Another Year of Paying Your Debts!

Monday, January 31st, 2011

Due to the programatic goodness of the Internet, I recently received a slew of automated birthday greetings. Subjects like “Happy Birthday from USAA Insurance” and “Happy Birthday from BMW F800 Riders Forum & Registry” abounded in the ol’ inbox. While I also received plenty of well wishes from friends and family alike, due to the Martin Luther King holiday and perhaps the weather, as of my birthday itself I had received just one card:

Wells Fargo Card
Inside: Thanks for not dying!

I got one of these last year too, so it seems that as long as I keep paying my mortgage, I’ll keep getting at least one birthday card every year. Of course, if there’s a birthday card less sincere than the one from your mortgage broker, I can’t think of it.

Marijuana Delivered Via Catapult ∞

Friday, January 28th, 2011

On Friday evening, National Guard troops operating a remote video surveillance system at the Naco Border Patrol Station observed several people south of the International Boundary Fence preparing a catapult and launching packages over the International Border fence, according to U.S. Customs and Border Protection.

Necessity is the mother of invention.

Sex Injuries ∞

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

A recent news story has been floating around about a New Zealand woman who suffered a stroke, due to a clot caused by a hickey she received in the throes of passion. This cringe-inducing ABC News article indicates that sex injuries are far from rare.

One patient, a man in his sixties, suffered a [penis] fracture when he fell down while masturbating. He attempted to rush to the door to lock it when he heard his mother trying to get in, Dr. Billy Goldberg, assistant professor of emergency medicine at the NYU School of Medicine told ABCnews.com.

I won’t say a man in his sixties shouldn’t be masturbating, but I will say he shouldn’t be living with his mother while he’s doing it.

For His Sake, I Hope It’s Not ∞

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

A German radio station was offering up a free Mini Cooper to the person who pulled the craziest stunt to win it. Andreas Muller is generously being called the “winner”, after he had the company’s name tattooed on his penis.

“Once I’m sitting in the car, it won’t matter anymore. Then the pain will be gone and it’ll be alright.”

The pain may go, Andreas, but the shame will live forever. Click to read the whole story, and don’t miss the extreme (relatively safe for work) close-up of the tattoo.

Nobody Walks in L.A. ∞

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

A fatal hit-and-run in Hawthorne left one man dead, a good Samaritan injured by another car when she attempted to help, and the motorist who stopped to check on her after allegedly striking her beaten and robbed by a mob of bystanders.

Almost everything that could go wrong here did.

Jim Alesi – World-Class Asshole ∞

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Louis DiRisio is being sued by New York State Senator Jim Alesi for injuries he sustained in a home DiRisio was constructing. Alesi was trespassing in the home, which was locked and had already been sold, to get a peek.

So, why is Alesi suing now for an incident from 2008? Because the statue of limitations for trespassing has just gone by, according to the full story.

Jim Alesi
New York State Senator Jim Alesi: What a Jerk

Update (May 19th, 2011): See this post for an update on this story.

Don’t Ask Me About My Nickname

Friday, January 21st, 2011

Yesterday, the FBI announced the largest mob bust in history, with the arrests of over 100 mobsters. Perusing the documents from the cases, it’s clear there are plenty of colorful characters with great nicknames. Albert Cernadas, for instance, is also known as “The Bull”. Benjamin Castellazzo goes by both “The Fang” and “The Claw”, which leaves me wondering just how many different ways he’s killed a man.

Many of the crime figures had much weaker nicknames, like Emanuele Favuzza’s “Manny” or Lawrence Gallo’s “Larry”. Still, a simple name-based nickname is better than a truly awful nickname. Here are some of the worst from yesterday’s indictments::

  • “Tony Bagels”

  • “Vinny Carwash”

  • “Hootie”

  • “Lumpy”, also known as “Fatty”, also known as “Fats”

  • “Mush”

If I were a mobster, I’d want a fearsome nickname, like “The Blade” or “Dead-eye”. I’d probably settle for something like “Paulie Pinball” though. Because I like pinball, see.

The Snow Blower

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Now, part one of what I can only imagine will be a one-part series.

Voice Mails From Wrong Numbers That Might Be the Start of a Porno:

  • Hey Mr. Thomas, it’s Amanda. I just wanted to know if you could come over and give my mom and I a quick lesson on the snow blower.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

Laughter Is the Best Impregnator ∞

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

Israeli infertility researchers have found a way to increase the chance of getting a patient pregnant. The key phrase from the article? “Professional medical clown”.

Fox Shoots Man ∞

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

There’s really no better headline for this story than the above reference. Along the Belarusian-Polish border, a hunter had wounded a fox and went to put him down. Instead, the hunter wound up shot in the leg when the fox “accidentally” pulled the trigger on the hunter’s gun. Karma!

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