A 16-year-old Arlington Heights boy told police he poisoned and killed three fish because he “didn’t want to leave any witnesses,” according to Arlington Heights police.
That is both weird and hilarious.
Archive for February, 2011
Why Not Steal The Witnesses Too?
Monday, February 28th, 2011
Blockbuster’s Timeline
Friday, February 25th, 2011
After filing for bankruptcy last year, Blockbuster has now agreed to be purchased by a group of creditors. As this once-mighty chain continues to shutter stores, a timeline of their existence from Fast Company is worth a read. In addition to the genesis of Netflix (which now has a market cap of over $11 billion), the timeline also features this gem:
2000: Blockbuster declines several offers to purchase Netflix for a mere $50 million. Instead, the company inks a 20-year deal to deliver on-demand movies with Enron Broadband Services, a subsidiary of energy trading giant Enron.
2001: Enron files for bankruptcy amid accounting scandal.
Good call on that one.
The Most Rockin’ Jingle Ever
Thursday, February 24th, 2011
In addition to a wealth of shitty adult contemporary music, Barry Manilow has also given the world several famous commercial jingles. His collection of jingles includes Band-Aid’s “I am stuck on Band-Aid…” and State Farm Insurance’s “Like a good neighbor…”. When State Farm approached Weezer about recording a version of Manilow’s jingle, the band asked if it was part of a larger song. It turns out Mr. Manilow did indeed write a full version, one which had never been recorded, and State Farm was able to dig up the lyrics and music for the whole song.
Now, State Farm has a video over on YouTube, with Weezer’s full performance of the song1. As Vulture notes, your initial reaction might be that this is a ridiculous sell-out. Perhaps it is. But it’s also disturbingly good.
Weezer performing a song for an insurance company
Give it a listen, especially if you remember Weezer’s early stuff fondly. I’ve transcribed the lyrics below2, so you can even sing along. It’s a throwback to a once-great sound. It’s also the most rockin’ jingle I’ve ever heard.
Like A Good Neighbor, State Farm Is There
Whenever you’re driving,
And wherever you’re bound,
On freeways and byways,
The whole country round.You’ll feel better knowin’,
Anytime, anywhere,
That like a good neighbor,
State Farm is there.Your home’s where your heart is3,
It’s a feeling that grows,
The house that you live,
The love that it shows.You’ll feel better knowin’,
Anytime, anywhere,
That like a good neighbor,
State Farm is there.We all hope the good times,
Never leave us behind.
We face our tomorrows,
With some peace of mind.No man has a promise
Of a life without care.And like a good neighbor,
State Farm is there.
State Farm is there!
State Farm is there!
State Farm is there!
Footnotes:
As usual for future-proofin’, the video is also archived here. ↩
If State Farm comes after this free advertising for copyright infringement, we can all laugh our asses off. ↩
So your real home’s in your chest. ↩
I Hate Everything About This
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
The party had budget of $32,000, which paid for 42 center pieces, 2,000 flowers and 300 costumes. Was it an elaborate theme wedding? No, something even worse than overpriced nuptials has come along – disgustingly lavish children’s birthday party. Get ready to hate everything about this.
“It’s crazy because Gracie didn’t want anyone else to get her dress,” Nicole said. “Here we had all these hairdressers and she just wanted mom.”
It sounds like you could have saved about $31,900 on this whole thing.
Cheese or Font?
Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011
This little web game sounds simple: Is the word shown a type of cheese or the name of a font? The woeful stats show just how ridiculous the names of both fonts and cheeses actually are.
Beatha Lee, Civic Association President
Monday, February 21st, 2011
The Hillbrook-Tall Oaks Civic Association was suffering from a dearth of volunteers for office, and its three-term president was prohibited from running again. Thus, when Beatha Lee stepped up, she won in an uncontested election.
Only later did folks realize that Beatha Lee was, in fact, a dog. The Washington Post has the full story here. Asked how the Wheaten terrier was working out, her vice-president (and owner) Marc Crawford offered this:
“Well, she delegates a lot,” Crawford said. “That’s what executives are supposed to do – delegate.”
Sometimes I just love this stupid country so much.
Googly Eyes: Lucky’s Lounge
Friday, February 18th, 2011
It’s been far too long since I’ve posted pictures of googly eyes being stuck where they don’t belong. That doesn’t mean I’ve slowed my pioneering in this new form of artistic expression, however. Sometimes I just need to wait for the statute of limitations on vandalism to run out.
So today we’ve got a new edition of Googly Eyes, filmed on location at a certain bar in Boston that’s heavily into the Chairman of the Board.
Often, gravity pulls a pair of pupils in sync. Here, however, they’re delightfully askew. Upon zooming in, you can see that this silhouette Sinatra has gone from dapper to deranged. Note how his eyes follow the angle of his hat – wonderful.
If reading Frank Sinatra Has a Cold taught me anything, it’s that if Frank Sinatra were alive today, he’d have me whacked. Fortunately, since his passing in 1998, it’s been possible to mock him via wall mural with impunity.
Ol’ Blue Eyes? More like Ol’ Googly Eyes! *Ba-zing*.
Are you interested in previous editions of this ridiculous series? Check out Googly Eyes: Dunkin’ Donuts and Googly Eyes: Subway Ads.
Ken Jennings’ Puny Human Brain
Thursday, February 17th, 2011
Ken Jennings, who won a record 74 straight Jeopardy games in 2004, has just finished competing against IBM’s Watson (along with Brad Rutter, another Jeopardy phenom). He and Rutter gave it their all, but they ultimately got trounced. Now that the shows have aired, Jennings has an interesting piece on the experience over at Slate.
When the tournament began, I joked that they’d given Watson home-field advantage, as the taping took place in New York. It turns out there was truth to this:
But at IBM’s Thomas J. Watson Research Lab, an Eero Saarinen-designed fortress in the snowy wilds of New York’s Westchester County, where the shows taped last month, I wasn’t the hero at all. I was the villain.
This was to be an away game for humanity, I realized as I walked onto the slightly-smaller-than-regulation Jeopardy! set that had been mocked up in the building’s main auditorium…The stands were full of hopeful IBM programmers and executives, whispering excitedly and pumping their fists every time their digital darling nailed a question. A Watson loss would be invigorating for Luddites and computer-phobes everywhere, but bad news for IBM shareholders.
In addition to the audience, there were definitely some issues with this exhibition, including buzzer speed (Watson consistently buzzed in just ahead of the human contestants) and question type (to accommodate the deaf and blind Watson, no audio or video clues were used). Given a chance to answer all 122 questions from the three day, two game tournament, I think the humans may well have eked out a victory. Nevertheless, it’s clear that Watson is a very impressive accomplishment.
Ridiculous Products: Crown Jewels Condoms
Wednesday, February 16th, 2011
Condoms seem to come up frequently here on One Foot Tsunami, and twice they’ve been featured as Ridiculous Products, specifically Virgin Condoms and the Durex Variety Bowl. The world of contraceptives continues to churn out the hits.
Most recently, a British prophylactic manufacturer named Crown Jewels1 has created royal wedding condoms, in special packaging commemorating the marriage of Prince William to Kate Middleton2.
A “triumvirate” (that means 3) of these “lavishly lubed”, “regally ribbed” heritage condoms sell for about $8 a box, and includes a disturbing portrait of the couple, “as they might appear on their wedding day”.
According to the Crown Jewels press release, the product is “a unique way to remember this great British occasion” and “[a]ll at Crown Jewels have worked tirelessly to craft these heirloom quality love sheaths.
Tastelessness of this product aside, I never want to see the phrase “heirloom-quality love sheaths” again. Fortunately, Lydia Leith is making royal wedding barf bags, so our collective nausea can be contained in noble fashion.
Without question, however, the most disturbing aspect of these condoms is actually found in the fine print on the Crown Jewels page, which reads:
Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.
What the hell? What the hell is that?!
Footnotes:
Slogan: “Condoms of Distinction” ↩
A clever title for this post might have been “Lie Back and Think of England“, except that Crown Jewels uses that as the page title on their own site. ↩
Who Is Arcade Fire?
Tuesday, February 15th, 2011
On Sunday Night, Arcade Fire won the Grammy for Album of the Year with their latest release The Suburbs. They beat out favorites Eminem and Lady Gaga, as well as Katy Perry and Lady Antebellum. It was a long shot, so much so that band member Win Butler exclaimed “What the hell?” as they accepted the award.
Now there’s a great Tumblr site (which will have a shelf life of just a few days), cataloging the reactions to this upset victory, and I’ve collected a few favorites.
[Link]
Well gosh, if Rosie O’Donnell hasn’t heard of them…
[Link]
Yes, their appearance is certainly relevant.
[Link]
Eloquently put.
You can read a larger collection over at Who Is Arcade Fire?. Enjoy the ego, the hubris, the dismay, and of course the awful spelling and punctuation of random Grammy viewers.
To close, here’s a list of five ways Arcade Fire has been spelled incorrectly:
Arcadia Fire
Arcade Fries
Arcane Fire
R K Fire
The Suburbs
