In New York City, a third-grader sold a loaded gun to a classmate for the grand sum of three dollars. Fortunately, the buyer’s mother learned of this before anyone was hurt, as this story could obviously have ended much, much worse.
What? No, no, we don’t have a problem with gun control in the US.
Over in China, scrap metal dealers have been putting one over on Germany, by purchasing damaged euro coins ostensibly for the metal, then instead trading them back in at full-value. The story is both simple and fascinating.
In Sidoarjo, Indonesia, careless drilling by energy company PT Lapindo Brantas appears to have caused a mud volcano known as Lusi. Lusi has been erupting for almost five years now, and has buried 3 square miles of land in sediment up to 65 feet deep. Worse, a study indicates the eruption may last another twenty six years. Apparently, the locals are adapting:
Indonesians have since thrown up their hands in surrender and come to accept living with the weird new Sidoarjo. It’s a place where one’s home might suddenly experience geysers exploding from the floor, as mud-driven pressure underground pushes water upward. Residents live in fear of gas bubbles floating up from ground cracks that explode into 10 foot-tall pillars of flame around anybody unfortunate enough to be smoking a cigarette
All manner of solutions have been tried to stem the flow of mud, from huge concrete balls to pumping in concrete. Locals even tried an animal sacrifice:
If they’re hoping that will plug the volcano, I think they’re gonna need a bigger goat.
Recently, while hanging around my mail room waiting to try out a killer “package” line on cute girls picking up their mail, I noticed a flyer on our communal bulletin board. It read “Confetti” in bright, cartoonish letters.
Admittedly, this is not the most happening community
“Free confetti?”, I stupidly muttered out loud. Fortunately, none of the aforementioned cute girls were around at that moment to hear my confusion. So, undistracted by the beauty of the feminine form, I examined the flyer more closely.
The original flyer
[Click to zoom in still more]
As you can see, it turned out to be an advertisement for a party decorating service. I had no idea a market for such a thing even existed (and I suppose I still have no proof that it does), but someone in my area is apparently making a go of it. As my mind wandered back to my original idea, I realized two things. First, I didn’t have much going on that day. Second, a flyer dedicated solely to providing a trivial item like confetti is an amusing idea.
Now, idle hands are the devil’s playthings, and I’m not out to indulge anyone’s desire for mischief but my own. So, I put my hands to work and created this spoof flyer:
Nixed specialization idea: OK Go Concerts
A disgusting majority of the time spent making this was wasted on trying to find free clip art (eventual source: Microsoft Office’s online site). The next most time-consuming task was confirming that Hotmail still existed, and then registering a spoof Hotmail account. Coming in at a distant third was the actual creation time for the flyer’s text.
Once I had the flyer printed out, all I had to do was take a shower, shave, comb my hair, and apply the standard 7 spritzes of fragrance. As most men know, it’s important to look (and smell) your best in the mailroom, even while engaged in monkeyshines. So two and a half hours of personal hygiene later, I headed back, simultaneously ready to post my flyer and woo the ladies.
A much more straight-forward competitor has emerged
Using a thumbtack already on the board, I got my spoof flyer up next to the original, and snapped a fast photo. Pleased with my work, I made a quick escape, heading over to CVS to purchase my weekly shipment of cologne. While it would have been nice to witness reactions to this flyer, I was content in knowing it would cause confusion and amusement for at least a few days.
While discussing this tomfoolery with my friend Mike, he said “I hope somebody tears the other one down as the fake”. I laughed off the idea, but lo and behold, a few days later, this is what remained:
Preposterously, only the spoof remains
Whether the original poster was shamed into removing his flyer, or someone assumed it was fake, I’ll never know. For now, I’m still waiting to hear from JustConfetti’s first potential customer.
Over on his blog, Michael Eisen has a great little tale of computerized algorithms run amok. The end result? A book being offered at the astounding price of $23,698,655.93.
Hot Pockets, the microwaveable dinner of sorrow and remorse, has a new TV commercial. The ad, entitled Brothers, is touting their Sideshots sandwiches1. While most commercials are intended to be informative, this one leaves me with many more questions than answers. So, five questions for Nestle about Hot Pockets Sideshots:
Why does Buffalo Chicken have a stutter?
Why is Sloppy Joe so obviously stoned?
Despite boasting about tasting great, your anthropomorphized sandwiches are clearly terrified of being eaten. What sort of reluctant suicide food is this?
Are you aware that you’re singing your theme with the same blasé tone and inflection Jim Gaffagan uses in his Hot Pockets standup routine2, specifically when he says “Diarrhea pockets“?
Would it be possible to have your product look any more like a bowel movement?
A steaming pile of sideshots.
Footnotes:
Speaking of perversions of justice, John Thompson tells the story of his time on death row and subsequent exoneration. America’s presumption of innocence is based around William Blackstone’s idea that it is “better that ten guilty persons escape than that one innocent suffer”. When that fails, someone must be held accountable. In Thompson’s case, that isn’t happening.
Interested in helping? Give to The Innocence Project, which has exonerated 268 people wrongfully convicted of crimes they did not commit, saving many from execution. Whether you support the death penalty or oppose it, everyone should agree that the execution of innocent individuals is absolutely unacceptable.
“The Walking Dead” is a TV series about a small band of humans surviving after the world is overrun by zombies. An advertisement for this series about the undead should probably not be placed on the side of a funeral home.
Of course, the side of a funeral home should probably be an altogether ad-free location, but ClearChannel obviously believes otherwise. Their gaffe reminded me of a similarly-inappropriate juxtaposition I spotted way back in October of 2002, near a funeral home1.
Footnotes:
Need a hint? Try this image. ↩
As the American face of Wikileaks, Jacob Appelbaum has apparently become the target of the American government’s wrath. Seattle’s The Stranger tells his story.
Jacob Appelbaum jokes about writing the first Yelp reviews of all of our nation’s airport detention areas. “Two thumbs up my ass,” he quips, referring to the invasive welcome he gets every time he reenters the country.
Mr. Appelbaum has not been charged with any crime, nor given any explanation for his repeated detainments and subsequent releases.
As mentioned last month, British entrepreneur Shed Simove created a best-selling blank book entitled “What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex”. In this article, he’s back to describe just how it all came together.
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