I received a link to a New York Times article discussing rules surrounding sexual orientation in a recreation sports league, with the assertion that it has the greatest headline of the week.
That’s pretty great, but unfortunately, it’s a distant second to this article discussing the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on the sale of video games, and how it compares to pornography (via jimray). That winning headline?
It’s only Thursday, but I feel comfortable calling the contest for this week.
To see a rather frustrating example of government waste, look no further than these bags of money:
The bags pictured show millions of one-dollar coins the government is holding due to lack of enthusiasm from the public. Hundreds of millions of dollars have so far been wasted creating these unwanted coins, and that number keeps growing. The basic issue is that despite the public showing no interest in using a dollar coin instead of a dollar bill, the bill which created the current presidential dollar coins mandates that the government keep cranking them out even if they’re not being used. NPR has the entire story.
It’s too late to prevent William Henry Harrison from getting a coin, but there’s still time for this wasteful program to be shut down before Richard Nixon winds up on our currency.
Some men sit in filth to create great beauty. Others do it to peep on unsuspecting women. Luke Chrisco falls in the second campe. He’s been accused of peeping on women using porta-potties at a Colorado yoga festival, by hiding out in the waste tank. Read more for an entire article of barvd. The best note?
A security guard tried to stop the feces-covered man, but he got away.
Yeah…the guard probably didn’t try all that hard.
In Utah last week, Jason Valdez was involved in an armed stand-off with police. Terrible, yes, but something which is not as uncommon as we’d like. What made this stand-off different is that Valdez repeatedly made contact with the public via Facebook, even receiving a tip that a SWAT team member was approaching:
At 3:48 a.m., one of Valdez’ friends posted that police had a ‘gun ner in the bushes stay low.” Valdez thanked him in a reply.
As you might expect, authorities are now considering whether Valdez’s Facebook friends should be charged with obstruction of justice.
Shortly after the demise of “Usama Bin Landen“, I gave the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted list a read. With the recent capture of Whitey Bulger, it’s actually now sitting at a rather anemic Eight Most Wanted list, and it’s one which is no longer very interesting. Most of the criminal profiles simply detail depressing murders and frauds, committed by relative unknowns who don’t possess the infamy of Bin Laden or Bulger.
The profile for James J. Bulger stands in stark contrast to the rest:
Bulger is an avid reader with an interest in history. He is known to frequent libraries and historic sites. Bulger may be taking heart medication. He maintains his physical fitness by walking on beaches and in parks with his female companion, Catherine Elizabeth Greig. Bulger and Greig love animals. Bulger has been known to alter his appearance through the use of disguises. He has traveled extensively throughout the United States, Europe, Canada, and Mexico.
With a bit of editing to the above text, and a carefully cropped version of this old mugshot, Whitey would have one hell of a dating profile.
You can flirt, ladies, but he won’t be free Friday. Or ever again.
In related news, reports indicate that following Bulger’s arrest, Disney rushed to trademark the term “Whitey Bulger”. Their efforts were stymied, however, as they’d been beaten to it by Vivid Entertainment.
Over at Consumerist, Ben Popken investigates the mysteries of Snapple Apple’s lack of any actual apple juice. From the post:
Here’s what’s really going on: While something called “juice” and having pictures of fruit on it is required to have its flavor mainly come from the pictured fruit, if you call it “juice drink” you don’t need to have the flavor be derived from the items on the picture. It can also contain as little as 5% juice.
As well, if you call something a “Jooce Drank”, it doesn’t have to have any fruit juice at all.
Over at Doodles Anonymous (“a permanent home for spontaneous art”), they’ve collected some excellent doodles made on the ubiquitous Netflix return envelope. It’s fascinating to see so many different people starting from the same template, then manipulating it to make it their own.
An envelope transformed into a welcome sign
Check out their full post for many more great images.
You may remember David Tyree for his incredible Helmet Catch in Super Bowl XLII. On that play wide receiver Tyree kept the Giants comeback drive going, when he held on to a reception with just one hand, by pressing the football against his helmet.
Apparently, that’s the only kind of ball David Tyree wants pressed against a man’s head, as he’s recently come out in opposition to gay marriage. Tyree even went so far as to state that he’d trade his incredible catch to prevent same-sex marriage from occurring in America.
“Once you allow something like same-sex marriage, it opens up the door for a continual softening to the backbone of our society,” Tyree said. “Which will eventually, for generations to come, open up the door for who knows, polygamy, and all other (things).”
Replace “same-sex” with “interracial”, and you’ve got a quote that would have fit in perfectly fifty years ago, before Loving v. Virginia.
Following a drunk driving conviction, an unidentified man in Northern Virginia is now facing a civil suit from the victim he hit. That lawsuit alleges that in addition to driving drunk and going 85 mph, the defendant was having sex “partially or totally in the backseat of the car”.
The case is going to trial this week – here’s hoping we get some diagrams on just how this all worked.
Last month, after receiving a discount coupon toward the bulk purchase of Father’s Day cards, I questioned just how many dads one might have. Obviously, no weird, multi-party alien reproduction system is at play here. CVS and the greeting card companies are simply pulling out all the stops to move as much product as possible, forcing their wares down the throats of an unsuspecting public. In all probability, these multinationals are also working in shadowy collusion with the United States Postal Service, and possibly even the glue-for-envelopes manufacturers1, enriching themselves at the expense of our environment and our wallets.
Even understanding this vast conspiracy as well as I do, however, I still found myself astounded by the many types of Father’s Day cards on offer.
Father’s Day cards for husbands
While your husband is not your father, he may be the father to your kids2. I suppose recognizing him for that on Father’s Day makes sense.
Father’s Day cards for grandfathers…
…and uncles too
Fine, fine, a grandfather is a type of father, and an uncle may perhaps be like a father to you. What else have we got?
Ok, your brother is definitely not your father.
Now this is just getting ridiculous. They might as well sell one for your son-in-law too.
Holy hell, they did it! They really did it! That’s not even a blood relative! Jesus christ, how low will you sink, Hallmark? Have you no sense of decency?
Alright, I’m sorry. I’ve calmed down, and I can actually accept this card. You see, I suspect that though your dog may not be able to vocalize it properly, her unconditional love probably does mean she wants you to have a happy Father’s Day.
No. NO! I accepted the dog, but no freaking way does the cat hope you have a happy Father’s Day. Look at him up there, just glaring at you, eyes full of hate. He’s hoping to eat a plate of anchovies, drink a saucer of milk, and bear witness to your sudden-and-ideally-entertaining demise.
Yet despite the ludicrousness of the previous cards, another stands alone. This card represents the pinnacle of the commercialization of Father’s Day:
This is truly brilliant. With this single card, the male domination of Father’s Day which has stood for too long has been smashed. Even after expanding to cards for grandfathers, uncles, brothers and the like, over 50% of the market was going untapped. No longer!
Finally, at long last, the ladies are being brought into the fold as well.
Footnotes:
Seriously, I can’t believe that in 2011, I still have to lick envelopes with my own tongue. ↩
Then again, he might not be. Studies show that 4% of men may be raising a child who is not their own. Happy “Father’s” Day! ↩
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