Hot Pockets, the microwaveable dinner of sorrow and remorse, has a new TV commercial. The ad, entitled Brothers, is touting their Sideshots sandwiches¹. While most commercials are intended to be informative, this one leaves me with many more questions than answers. So, five questions for Nestle about Hot Pockets Sideshots:

• Why does Buffalo Chicken have a stutter?

• Why is Sloppy Joe so obviously stoned?

• Despite boasting about tasting great, your anthropomorphized sandwiches are clearly terrified of being eaten. What sort of reluctant suicide food is this?

• Are you aware that you’re singing your theme with the same blasé tone and inflection Jim Gaffagan uses in his Hot Pockets standup routine², specifically when he says “Diarrhea pockets“?

• Would it be possible to have your product look any more like a bowel movement?

  
  A steaming pile of sideshots.

Footnotes:

1. Archived right here.   ↩

2. Archived as well.   ↩

If you’ve been watching the MLB playoffs, you’ve been repeatedly subjected to the same ads over and over again. Contempt being bred by familiarity and all, it’s time for another critical look at commercial logic. This round features Travelers Insurance’s Rattlesnake ad, available on the Tube that is You.

Travelers’ own description of this ad is as follows:

In this commercial for Travelers Insurance, a rabbit unwittingly stumbles across a menacing rattlesnake. The rattlesnake loses all credibility, however, when we see that it’s had a bogus repair job done on its rattle.

A snake’s rattle is a warning to larger enemies, to persuade them to steer clear. Rattlesnakes are venomous, and inflict a toxic bite to immobilize prey before swallowing them whole. Put more succinctly? The rattle isn’t what kills you.

This rabbit is going to die.

A cocky desert rabbit who hears a rattle should be thankful he got a warning sound and he should run the other way. Such a rabbit should not fall over as he laughs it up, and he certainly should not call his friends over. Rabbit, that snake is going to bite your ass. He’s going to bite all your asses, then swallow you whole.

As I did last time, I will again provide free advice on how to fix things. In this case, said advice consists of just two words: “Dracula fangs”.

Picture it. The snake broke his fangs and got these shoddy replacements. It’d look hilarious, even more comical than a baby rattle. The rabbits could safely yuck it up and Travelers’ point would be made.

Advertisers, just like last time, this idea is yours free of charge that you might correct your nincompoopery. Here’s hoping.

Footnotes:

1. As usual, here’s a mirror in case the video ever falls off YouTube.