Because when people think “simple”, they think “Windows”.

What Russian city used to be called St. Petersburg and Petrograd?

If you said “Uhh…St. Petersburg?”, I'm sorry, you're wrong.

It's Leningrad. The correct answer is Leningrad.

It features a rust-proof bottom.

It works pretty well.

Oh sweet unholy Uranus, what in the hell is that?

Please learn more about these bills in this video and through the EFF. If you're an American citizen, take action by contacting your local politicians through the EFF link. Urge your senators and congressman to vote against these dangerous, unnecessary bills.

Proposed slogans for this 24-hour rose seller:

• For all your late-night fuck-ups [Link]

• Make it more than a booty call!

• Price? You're buying roses in the middle of the night. The price is the least of your concerns.

• It's 3 AM – maybe you're hungry enough to eat a rose?

Like everything at Building #19, these signs were very, very cheap.

Three Questions for This Typo-tastic Sign

• Doesn't it seem like, instead of giving up on the signs and selling them for pennies on the dollar, the manufacturer could just have painted that "L" into an "I?

• Even without the typo, who exactly wants a sign that just says "Apple Pies" anyway?

• Can you believe cell phone cameras were ever this bad?

Footnotes:

1. Phones (and their cameras) have changed a lot since then, but Building 19's website hasn't.   ↩

So I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that's the limit. And then someone cuts you off, you press your horn and nothing happens. You're like "SHIT, I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky, on the sidewalk!"

-Mitch Hedberg

Can you tell I live near a major intersection?

It's like Y2K all over again.

God bless us, every one.

While these Marines likely didn't imagine their requests would lead to anything more than a friendly date, it did work out to at least that, and perhaps more. One has to assume this is not the case for the bold Lance Corporal Aaron Leeks, who recently asked out Michelle Obama. As in, the wife of Leeks' ultimate boss, President and commander-in-chief Barack Obama.

Aaron Leeks asks out his boss's wife

This may not be the worst idea ever, but it's up there. If you're going to try to steal another man's woman, that man probably shouldn't have the authority to order you into incredibly dangerous combat situations. Just, ya know, as a general rule.

NBPA.com Screenshot (November 16th, 2011)

Ultimately, the fans are getting screwed no matter who wins. If nothing else though, you've got to give the webmaster for the NBPA credit for adding a bit of levity to the whole situation.

Pregame Early for BC vs FSU at MySportsRug.com

Sure! Grab some beers, fire up the grill, and pre-game for a college football game with the purchase of a rug.

$12 for Two Boxes of Sleep-Enhancing Snack Bars

What the what? Sleep-enhancing snack bars? Yes, on their site, the company states NightFood "provides nutrition for better sleep". They also say it "helps fuel the important processes that take place in the brain and body while you sleep" and claim that the chocamine and melatonin in each bar "help you quiet your mind and fall asleep more quickly".

Of course, their site is also required to note that those statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

$20 for $40 worth of dinner at Sushi Yoshi

Yoshi? Like, Yoshi Yoshi?

This Yoshi?

Yoshis are dinosaurs. Or possibly dragons. They may be part-bird. But a Yoshi is definitely not a fish! They've got arms. And legs. With boots!² You can't make sushi out of a Yoshi.

Half Off Laser Surgery at Sheth-Horsley Eye Center

"Half off Laser Eye Surgery" sounds less like a daily deal, and more like the makings of a medical malpractice lawsuit. Maybe it's just me, but when lasers are going to be used to cut my eyeballs, I'd rather pay a premium than get a discount.

Up to 60% Off Large Pizza at Domino's Pizza

Paying 40 cents on the dollar would ordinarily be incredible deal. Ordinarily.

Footnotes:

1. The only Ponzi scheme you can buy stock in!   ↩

2. Little-known fact: Baby yoshis hatch from their shells fully clad in their fancy footwear.   ↩

Not Exactly Ringing

That's an official promotional image from Adidas, which would make you think it's the best they could get. One can only imagine the awfulness of those photos they opted to discard. I bet we could learn a lot from those pictures. For example, a whole new repertoire of obscene gestures!

The shoes themselves look nice enough, yet even the cartoon Noel seen on the tongue refuses to smile. Ultimately, one must wonder if this supposed "endorsement" is hiding something much more sinister than a mere cranky pop star. Thus, two very important questions must be asked: "Has anyone seen Noel Gallagher lately?" and "How do you report a corporation for abduction and blackmail?"

Moving Horses Long Distances Makes Them Faster as Scientists Discover 'Jet Nag'

Apparently, horses get the opposite of jet lag, which makes me wish I were more like a horse. I'd probably regret that decision the first time I sprained an ankle though.

Other times, headlines are so badly in need of editing that it results in hilarity:

Anti-Wall Street Protesters March From NYC to San Francisco

Wow, a march from New York City all the way to San Francisco? That will be an incredibly journey, and a fascinat-oh, it's distinct marches, in multiple cities? Well that's just terrible writing.

This, however, is wonderful:

Letter 'G' Goes Missin at Scrabble Championship

[Sic]. Fantastic.

Merrill Lynch is pitching some of his advice with a banner on their site, but it seemed like old Andy could use a pithy slogan to really draw folks in.

• Taxes? Serious business!

• Are you gonna be happy when I'm done? Look at me – what do you think?

• Don't worry, I'll finish your taxes before I slit my wrists.

• Does this suit make me look fat?

• I'm morose, so you don't have to be.

Play along by reading a headline or story summary below, then deciding if you think it's a real story from a proper news site or a fake, from somewhere like The Onion. After you've made your pick, click "Answer" to reveal the truth, then read more by clicking the link.

Let's get ready to answer the question:

Is it Real or Fake?

That last one may just be the most disturbing Real or Fake ever, and it's certainly the closer for this round. We'll try to top it next time though!

I began by testing how she might have helped back in March:

That's not exactly helpful. Let's try another:

Your surprise is perhaps intended as a compliment, Siri, but perhaps you could be of a bit more assistance?

Now that's just hilariously inappropriate. But requiring a liver transplant isn't an issue fraught with immediacy. How about something where every second counts?

Well, thanks for giving it a go. Of course, apologetically throwing in the towel after one try while I lay exsanguinating in a dimly-lit alley isn't exactly going to be viewed as top-notch service. One more attempt?

Sooner or later, the last words some poor bastard hears are going to be Siri's robotic-yet-still-somehow-smarmy "Is that so?".

But if I did suddenly find myself in that situation, this would be the exact look on my face.

Update (October 24th, 2011): I try not to post items on One Foot Tsunami where you actually need to know me, but this was just too good. If you've never met your humble author, this picture will help:

[Click to enlarge]

@danielpunkass

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by SEO-induced vomit. And yet here I am, vomit streaming down my legs, shocked at the depths to which people will sink.

@badbanana

It's not the candle poop that's so nauseating, it's the candy corn. The vile, vile candy corn.

@georgedick

Your humble author actually found this tweet nominated for Barvd, but the reply seen above was definitely worse. As if movie theaters aren't disgusting enough?

@gruber

She's 90, and that's disturbing. Not as disturbing as our finale though.

@mrgan

Look, I'm just going to tell you. It's fish semen, you guys. Fish semen.

Submit Your Own
I need to go sit down for awhile and contemplate the fact that someone decided fish semen was edible. If you've spotted a terrible tweet, submit a link.

The Ig Nobels, a spoof on the true Nobels, award unusual and often amusing scientific research. The incredibly nerdy ceremony features paper airplanes, real Nobel laureates presenting, moments of science, and much more. Prizes this year went to scientists who determined the ideal density for airborne wasabi to be used in a fire alarm, researchers who determined that red-footed turtles are impervious to the contagious effects of yawning, and many others.

Vilnius mayor Arturas Zoukas received this year's Ig Nobel Peace Prize, for so ably "showing that the problem of illegally parked luxury cars can be solved by running them over with an armored tank". The stickers he handed out explain things in hilarious pictogram form:

Approximate translation: "Priority Lane for Bicycles and Tanks"

Pictured below is Mayor Zuokas agreeing, via handshake with your humble author, to future discussions for devising additional penalties for idiotic motoring. Anyone who's ever driven in Massachusetts will agree to the necessity of such a summit.

Sadly, he did not bring his tank.

• I don't care to be known as a .400 hitter with a lousy average of .39955.

  -Ted Williams

No, Ted Williams was going to play in those two games, and finish out his season. As any good Red Sox fan can tell you, Williams went 6-8 in that doubleheader¹. He finished the season at .406², and still stands as the last major leaguer to finish a season over .400. That's the way you play the game. As another batting champion and Hall of Famer said:

• There is always some kid who may be seeing me for the first or last time – I owe him my best.

  -Joe DiMaggio

Flash-forward seventy years, to September 28th, 2011. Playing for the long-ago eliminated New York Mets, Jose Reyes' batting average stood at a league-leading .336 to start the day. Right behind Reyes was the playoff-bound Brewers' Ryan Braun, batting .335. Reyes was playing in a day game against the Reds, while Braun was facing the Pirates in the Brewers night game.

So what happened? Reyes led off the bottom of 1st with a bunt single, upping his average to .337. He was then immediately pulled from the game, to prevent any chance of his average dropping. After the game, Reyes stated that the idea was his; if he started off with a hit, he wanted to be taken out, to give himself the best chance to win the batting title.

"I said, 'If I go 1-for-1, take me out of the game,'" Reyes said. "And I did that. If I went 0-for-1, maybe I'm still in the game until I get a hit. … I wanted to stay in the game, but (Mets fans) have to understand, too, what's going on. They have to feel happy about it if I win the batting title. I do that for the team, for the fans too, because they've been supporting me all the way through. I've (had) throughout my career a lot of ups and downs here with a lot of injuries. One thing I do all the time is give 100 percent on the field."

Giving 100 percent on the field only counts when you don't pull yourself off the field.

There was actually some risk in Reyes' gambit, as Braun could have passed Reyes with a 3-3 or 3-4 night. Unfortunately, karma didn't work fast enough. Braun put up a goose egg in the hit column, going 0-4 to finish the year at .332, and Reyes won the title. Nevertheless, while it may not be there in the record books, Reyes' batting crown will always have an asterisk next to it in my mind.

Footnotes:

1. The Splendid Splinter went 4-5 with a HR in that first game against the A's, finishing it up at .404. He then played in game two anyway, going 2-3 with a double.   ↩

2. While researching this, I stumbled on an even more incredible fact – by today's stats, Williams started the day at .405, and finished at .411! How is that possible? In 1941, a sacrifice fly still counted as an at-bat. Get the full scoop from David Marasco.    ↩

The Beginning

Earlier this year, I made mention of The Innocence Project in a post about wrongful convictions. The Innocence Project is a charity dedicated to exonerating wrongfully convicted individuals, often saving them from Death Row. Since first learning about this charity over a decade ago, it's seemed one of the most noble endeavors I could imagine. After yesterday's questionable execution of Troy Davis, I felt it was worth mentioning on Twitter:

I donated $50 along with the tweet, but I was unable to shake the feeling that I could do more. Or more accurately, that I should do more. More than giving money, I wanted others to hear about The Innocence Project and the work they do. It wasn't until the next day that I realized just how I could do this.

"Incentivize Information Transmission" (or "Make 'Em Want to Share It")

Last year, Mike Monteiro used a tweet to promote the American Cancer Society, offering the donation of a dime for every single favorite the tweet received on Twitter. Looking at my previous tweet, I realized I could build on Mike's idea to broadcast information about The Innocence Project to thousands of people who might never have heard of them. Instead of incentivizing readers to favorite a tweet, I would make them want to retweet it¹. So, yesterday afternoon, I tweeted this:

As you can see, I offered folks a pretty good deal. All they had to do was tell others about The Innocence Project, and I would donate a $1. Sharing that message took exactly two mouse clicks. If someone liked me, they'd be encouraged to retweet. If someone liked the charity, they'd be encouraged to retweet. Even if someone hated me and simply wanted to see me lose some money, they'd still want to pass along the message. I figured that if I had the chance to use someone else's spite to help my cause, I must be on to something.

Concerns and Issues

While the overarching goal was to spread the message of The Innocence Project, one concern I had was that the retweets might blow up to an enormous number. While that would be very good for The Innocence Project, it would not be so good for my bank account. However, I didn't have any space in my tweet for a ceiling on my donation. More importantly, I didn't really want to put one in there, fearing it might eventually stop the tweet's spread. In my mind, I set a cap of "some big but not foreclosure-inducing number". I wasn't quite sure what that was but I knew that I'd feel alright having a cut-off. Anyone who found fault with that could, quite frankly, kiss my ass.

Of course, no good deed goes unpunished, or at least no good deed goes unquestioned. I hope this was a joke, based on an intentionally comedic misreading of my tweet. Sadly, this wasn't:

Yes, I'd really be screwing folks over if I didn't donate. All that effort put in, clicking the retweet button, and then clicking the confirmation! But you'll really show me if you just donate yourself instead²!

This particular individual even came back with more foolishness. It's often wise to question things, but be sure to shave with Occam's razor. At the very worst, if I reneged on my promise, I stood to gain approximately nothing while still spreading the word. These were minor problems though, and ultimately, things went quite smoothly.

The Result

I knew that no matter how many retweets I got, my own donation would be small relative to the needs of The Innocence Project. While I wanted to make a large donation, my broader goal was to make others aware of this lesser-known organization, reasoning that this attention would encourage support and donations from a much wider pool. So how'd I do?

Twitter tracks retweets, but after 101 retweets, it simply shows "100+". I suspected the number would be higher than that, so I used my Favstar page to track the tweet. Things started slowly, but they quickly gained steam. There's no real-time tracking for retweets, but you can watch the number on Favstar to see it grow. While it's not possible to conclusively determine exactly who's setting off a retweet avalanche, you can get a pretty good idea by looking for retweets from folks who have a large follower count.

Ultimately, the number of retweets grew from single to double-digits, then into the hundreds, before heading over 1000. When it came time to hit the hay, the tally stood at a monstrous 1213 retweets, representing tens of thousands of people who had now at least heard of The Innocence Project.

I hadn't defined a time limit, but bedtime seemed like a fair time to cap things off, so I did. Before heading to sleep, I filled out the donation form and put it in an envelope along with a check for $1213. Over twelve hundred bucks and tens of thousands of new potential supporters – not bad for 140 characters.

I'm sure only a canceled check will convince the doubters. If that.

Epilogue

This morning, I woke up to see that folks had continued to retweet the link. While my donation period is done, these retweets continue to bring news of The Innocence Project to thousands of additional people, and that's an undeniably good thing. While this was easily the most expensive tweet I've ever posted, it's also the most gratifying³.

Footnotes:

1. In Twitter parlance, retweeting means sending your own followers a message which was written by someone else. When I post a tweet, it gets sent to the 3200 or so people who follow me on Twitter. That's a decent amount, but if some of those folks retweet my message to their own followers, it can reach many times more people.   ↩

2. I'm also curious about her initial question. Would being a lawyer make me more, or less, trustworthy?   ↩

3. And not just because of tweets like these two.   ↩

Once upon a time, pregnant women in the UK were advised to drink Guinness. While it's never been proposed that babies drink Guinness, it would at least give them an excuse for their irrational behavior. Ultimately though, that could just be "Wimpy Guinness". Not something you'd want to order, perhaps, but not so strange.

The divergence of Polish drinks is best shown with another image of a drink list. For many people, this image is likely not safe for work. That a drink menu could contain something not safe for viewing at work may sound dubious. Be sure to swallow anything you're drinking, so you don't spit it out at your screen, then take a gander at what was on offer at one Polish restaurant:

Wow. Just…wow.

Drinking a "Sex on the beach" doesn't seem quite so risque anymore, does it? Please note the topper on that shot, both literally and figuratively: whipped cream.

Update (September 21st, 2011): Multiple readers are writing in to tell me that this shot exists in the US, and other places. In all my years of drinking, I've never come across it. Seeing it in a foreign country, it struck me as so far beyond the pale that it simply had to be a result of poor English skills. Apparently not.