There is a horse in the Apple Store and no one sees it but me.

If that line doesn’t grab you and make you read this hilarious story, I don’t know what will. Thanks to Rod for the link.

The classic bedbug strain that all newly caught bugs are compared against is a colony originally from Fort Dix, N.J., that a researcher kept alive for 30 years by letting it feed on him.

Apparently, a scientist let bedbugs feed on him for thirty years. A day or two, ok, fine, but thirty years?! Other biologists, like Steven A. Kells, are not quite so giving of themselves. Kells feeds his bed bugs with expired blood-bank blood wrapped in parafilm.

Coby Schal of North Carolina State said he formerly used condoms filled with rabbit blood, but switched to parafilm because his condom budget raised eyebrows with university auditors.

I know one thing. I would love to have been a part of that particular conversation.

Women can write on their bikini line, “I do not give consent for medical students to practice pelvic exams on me” in marker. Then as soon as the clothes come off or the robe is lifted and all the medical students are getting on their latex gloves they can see that message. And that will stop them.

It’s no Paul the Octopus, but that’s pretty good for a tree.

Oh, right, right. “Truly bizarre”. Summer’s Even is here to help with some truly bizarre advice.

Apparently, after one of the shows cast members Snooki was seen constant with a Coach bag, Coach sent her a free bag. It wasn’t one of their bags, however – it was a Gucci bag, one of Coach’s competitors.

Allegedly, the anxious folks at these various luxury houses are all aggressively gifting our gal Snookums with free bags. No surprise, right? But here’s the shocker: They are not sending her their own bags. They are sending her each other’s bags! Competitors’ bags!

If you’re so reviled that it actually nets you free stuff, does that count as a win?

“I call these things ‘White Guy in a Tie’ events,” a Canadian friend of a friend named Jake told me during the recruitment pitch he gave me in Beijing, where I live. “Basically, you put on a suit, shake some hands, and make some money. We’ll be in ‘quality control,’ but nobody’s gonna be doing any quality control. You in?”

I only wish the article were longer, because this whole idea is very interesting.

This can lead to all manner of difficulties for the men pursuing their dream of playing in the big leagues. In fact, the Double-A minimum salary is just $1700, just below the average monthly unemployment payout is $1703.20. Players would make slightly more if they simply didn’t work at all.

With this in mind, it’s not hard to see why my fellow Tufts alumnus Randy Newsom attempted to sell futures in himself. Unfortunately, that plan was shut down and subsequently quite watered down.

After acting on a tip reporting an outdoor marijuana grow-op, RCMP officers descended on the remote site, about 700 km southwest of Calgary, only to be greeted by up to 14 black bears that Sgt. Fred Mansveld is convinced were there to ward off pot bandits.

Apparently, the bears were quite docile, as seen in the ridiculous photos. Even armed officers should be a bit more frightened than this:

“Maybe they mixed some pot into the food — it’s possible it’s why they were so laid-back…they were just lolligagging around,” he said, adding the bears had made friends with a raccoon and pot bellied pig also found on the property.

Friends with a raccoon and pot-bellied pig, eh? It’s possible someone mixed something into your food too, Sgt. Fred Mansveld.

Painting your house like a can of 7-Up, out of spite? Yeah, I can get behind that.

Fabian Brunsing’s PAY & SIT bench

The only problem? Park officials in China ignored the artistic statement and decided to put the idea into practice. Parks in China suffer from chronic overcrowding, and officials at the Yantai Park have apparently implemented the idea. Ouch.

Now, a real estate developer has won a court case which will allow them to take over the land where the center is currently housed. Such a move will destroy this incredible resource, as the delicate nature of the plants means moving them is painstaking and slow, if not impossible.

The linked article, written before the case was decided, describes how the property developers argued that because the station contains a “priceless collection”, no monetary value can be assigned to it and so it is in actuality worthless. Twisted as this is, they further argued that because the collection was never registered, it does not officially exist.

Sorry, future generations. Perhaps you can invent a way to derive sustenance from bitter Kafkaesque humor.

Now, Foreign Policy has a fascinating article describing the many ways these maps have been used around the globe.

“I spoke with Nathan this morning and let him know that I endorse his candidacy.”

Karen Handel, previously a Republican candidate for Georgia governor, conceding to her Republican rival Nathan Deal one day after she called him a “corrupt relic of Washington.” [Link]

and:

“Drop dead. Your days are over, they’re numbered, we’re not going to take it anymore, we’re sick and tired.”

New York City Council Speaker Christine C. Quinn, shouting at the city’s bedbugs from the steps of City Hall. [Link]

Be sure to ingest all site contents with a liberal dose of cynicism.

The maze is now nearly done, and set to open in 2012, fulfilling Ricci’s long-time dream of creating the world’s largest. However, when Ricci first told a friend about his plans, decades ago, he did not exactly receive a supportive response.

The former publisher said he first confided his ambition to Jorge Luis Borges, who characteristically told him the world’s largest maze already existed and was called a desert.

Jorge Luis Borges was kind of a dick.

The Tiger Oil Memos, however, are simply incredible in their own right. Tiger Oil CEO Edward ‘Tiger Mike’ Davis sent the linked memos to his employees over the course over several years. May you never have a boss like Tiger Mike.

One of my favorite bits was this:

No one will ride in our vehicles other than company employees…What I am trying to say is no hitchhikers or free rides for family members or non-employees. They will be terminated if caught.

When read as written, Tiger Mike seems to be indicating that any non-employees found in company vehicles will be killed. It’s probable that even he wasn’t that crazy, but one never knows.

I am surprised to learn that Glenn Beck, or the person who runs his Twitter account, was dumb enough to mark such a tweet as a favorite, though. Apparently, he didn’t know that favorites on Twitter are visible to anyone who cares to look.

The Commutapult site includes a helpful FAQ, with useful information like this:

Q: Can I time travel back to high school using Commutapult™?
A: No. Get over it. She’s still not going to like you.

View their full site to get a peek at the commuter transport method of the future, today.

It’s very early, but it’s probably safe to declare this the best headline of the day. The sub-head gets even better.

Japanese macaques will completely flip out when presented with flying squirrels, a new study in monkey-antagonism has found. The research could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys.

So now you’ve learned at least three things:

1. Macaques hate flying squirrels.
2. There are “monkey-annoyance experts”, who work on “monkey-antagonism”.
3. Our current methods of angering monkeys are simply not sufficient. Someone, perhaps just the reporter but perhaps the scientists, is looking for newer, more effective ways of enraging monkeys.

The article also includes a monkey crowd reaction video from 2006. At that time, scientists were just beginning to work on weaponizing the flying squirrel. When the inevitable Monkey Wars come, we’ll be glad they did.

SPIEGEL: Mr. Venter, when the elite among gene researchers undertook the decoding of the human genome, you were their greatest enemy. They called you “Frankenstein,” “blood sucker,” “Darth Venter” and even “asshole.” Why do you attract so much hostility?

Give it a read. You’ll see that for a man with hundreds of millions of dollars in funding on the line, Venter really pulls no punches.

Florida Marlins left fielder Chris Coghlan tore the meniscus in his left knee. That seems normal enough. Did this happen during a play at the plate, or diving for a ball in the outfield? No, it happened while teammate Wes Helms was giving a post-game interview, following his walk-off single. Coghlan injured his knee when he hit Helms in the face with a shaving cream pie.

Boston Police officers…will operate a Hood Ice Cream truck and hand deliver Hoodsie Cups to kids in pre-determined areas of the city. This one-on-one contact and trust-building approach will create new channels for communication between the police and youth in each of Boston’s neighborhoods.

To summarize, the police will be driving an ice cream truck around, luring kids to their van with sweets.

The Slightly Creepy BPD Hood Ice Cream Truck

Oh, and if you were hoping to find iPhone wallpaper featuring multi-ethnic cartoon children enjoying ice cream, you need look no further.

And there’s a belief in Japan that pink nipples denote purity, while brown ones … don’t. A female plastic surgeon I know who works in Tokyo put it this way: “Japanese girls want to have pink nipples because Japanese guys like them. For some Japanese men, the less sexual experience a woman has, the better. Little experience means she is clean and precious for them.”

Like so many things from Japan, I found this quite strange. To put it both bluntly and crudely, however, I suppose someone from the country which invented the bleached asshole shouldn’t judge.

What’s worth noting, however, is Washington’s harebrained behavior. She claims she popped into Costco to purchase dog food and other dog necessities, planning to return in just a few minutes. After being in the store for over an hour, she returned to find the dog dying from the heat. What she did after the dog expired indicates that this may well have been intentional:

After Cathryn returned to the vehicle, investigators say she went back inside the Costco and returned the dog food, bedding and treats she had purchased. At that point, she told Costco employees the dog was dead, authorities said.

The dog you shared custody of for fourteen years and took when you moved away dies, and the first thing you do is return her new dog treats? That is truly callous.