Meet Rusty:

Rusty is a 10-month old puppy up for adoption at the MSPCA, and he’s been selected as the Pet of the Week over at Bostonist.com. Rusty is a Dachshund mix whose owners can’t take care of him any longer. He’s already neutered, and will cost just $225 to adopt, plus the fees for training classes.

There’s also something very familiar about Rusty. I just can’t put my finger on it…

Holy shit it’s Dug! From Up! I have to go to the MSPCA this instant. Meanwhile, you enjoy this ridiculous side-by-side comparison.

In 1986, Paul Newman won a Best Actor Oscar for his role as Fast Eddie Felson in The Color Of Money. It’s widely held that this was the Academy’s way of correcting their mistake in not awarding him for a superior performance as the same character in the 1961 film The Hustler.

In 2010, many of the biggest winners actually received their awards to rectify similar oversights. In fact, the final five Oscars awarded were all consolation awards:

Best Actress: Sandra Bullock as Leigh Anne Tuohy in The Blind Side
Why She Really Won: Her role as Angela Bennett in The Net.

Best Actor: Jeff Bridges as Bad Blake in Crazy Heart
Why He Really Won: His role as The Dude in The Big Lebowski.

Best Foreign Language Film: Argentina’s El Secreto de Sus Ojos (The Secret in Their Eyes)
Why It Really Won: The Falkland Islands.

Best Picture: The Hurt Locker
Why It Really Won: Atonement for the collective man-years lost by the people of the world sitting through Avatar.

Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker
Why She Really Won: Her infinitely-superior film Point Break. Additionally, to really stick it to her ex-husband James Cameron, nominated in the same category for directing Avatar.

A PIN (or, redundantly, PIN Number) is a Personal Identification Number. It’s a simple password most commonly used to withdraw cash from an ATM (or, again redundantly, ATM Machine). Many people don’t know how to choose a good, or even truly great, PIN. Fortunately, One Foot Tsunami is here to help.

Length

The first thing to consider when selecting a PIN is its length. Here, there’s always a trade-off between security and convenience. A PIN like 93725493629364012641274 is very secure, but not very convenient to enter. Conversely, a PIN like 7 is very convenient to enter, but not very secure. If you have a choice, you probably want a PIN that’s between 4 and 9 digits in length.

Memorable

Ok, so you need a number that’s around 6 digits long. That may seem simple enough, but what many people fail to realize is that their PIN must also be memorable. At first glance, a PIN such as 763829 might seem appropriate – it’s a perfect 6 digits long, after all. But how the heck are you going to remember that? You won’t, because it’s a pile of crap.

When selecting your PIN, you need to make sure it’s something you’ll remember under even extreme stress, because you need to pay that pimp like right now and he doesn’t care how much you had to drink before you spent time with his ho, he just wants his goddamned money immediately, you miserable son of a bitch.

Birthdays

So, how do you select a PIN of the right length which is also memorable? Birthdays are a good place to start, but your own birthday is much too obvious. Instead, how about the October 7th, 1955 birthday of violin legend Yo Yo Ma? That yields a dexterous PIN of 10755. German Chancellor Angela Merkel is also a good choice. As everyone knows, her birthday is July 17th, 1954, which gives us the strong, musky-smelling PIN 71754.

Musicians and erotic foreign leaders aren’t your only options, however. Your pet’s birthday can also be a good source for your PIN. Of course, you probably don’t know your pet’s exact birthday. If that’s the case, you’ll need to just make one up. To ensure you’ll remember both the date and your associated PIN, you’ll want to plan a lavish party for your Alistair Fuzzypaws or little Miss Whiskers. Be sure to handwrite the date on calligraphed invitations for all the neighborhood pets, to enhance recall!

Stylish PINs

Perhaps you’re hoping for something with a bit more style and flair. If so, you’re in luck. First, there are retro PINs, such as 12345. This is commonly known as the Spaceballs PIN, and it dates back to 1987 and the film of the same name.

Maybe you’re after something a bit more modern, a bit more twenty-first century. In this case, there are Chic PINs for you. For something a bit trendier, allow me to suggest the very popular Bluetooth Pairing PIN, 0000.

Finally, for the swinging bachelor and the pubescent boy with his first ATM card alike, there are sexy PINs. These PINs will titillate, arose, and most assuredly never be forgotten. Perhaps the best of these is the grade-school classic 80085. Magnificent, isn’t it? Sadly, you won’t get to see its magnificence on the ATM screen, as it will be replaced with *****. But the machine will know. It will know, and it will appreciate your sensuality.

Conclusion

I hope this guide to the world of PIN (numbers) has helped you in your quest to select the perfect PIN. There are many styles to choose from, but the absolute most important thing when picking a PIN is that you believe in yourself. Selecting a good PIN is no different from performing open-heart surgery or sending a man to the moon. All it really requires is confidence.

The Winter Olympics are a time when people of all stripes from around the world¹ come together as one to celebrate jingoism in its purest form: the pursuit of gold medals in events which barely qualify as sports. Yes, we join together around our television sets to cheer on athletes from our own country, decry the actions and behavior of athletes from any other countries, and say “What the fuck?” about all sorts of things. Things such as:

The Opening Ceremonies

Did you see this guy?

I watched this with no audio from a bar in San Francisco, so perhaps I missed out on some context. But really, what the hell was going on there?

We saw this guy running in place, faster and faster, until he started flying around. Boy did he look surprised about it too, particularly for someone who was attached to a set of wires. This went on, and on, and on, and just when we thought it would be over, it went on some more.

And come on – clam diggers?

Ski Jumping

As previously noted, there’s currently no women’s ski jump at the Olympics. This was, and remains, bullshit.

Curling

Unfortunately, there is curling at the Olympics. I don’t even really want to get into this here. If you’ve seen curling, better known as Janitors on Ice, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t seen curling, consider yourself lucky.

Scott Hamilton

I’m sure Scott Hamilton is a great guy. He won gold for the US in 1984, and he’s an active philanthropist. But good god, the man has no idea what the word ‘courage’ means.

When a skater attempts a jump which he’s been practicing for months, even if it’s a relatively difficult jump, that is not courageous. When a skater completes a routine she’s completed dozens of times before, both in practice and competition, it was not courageous. When a fireman rushes into a burning building to save someone, that is courageous. By and large, figure skaters are talented, athletic, and highly-skilled, but nothing they do on the ice qualifies as courageous.²

Figure Skating Judging

In the old days, scores showed up from each country’s judge. We could all boo the Soviet judge for giving such an outrageously low score to our American skater, and then laugh as it was cut from being counted (along with the highest score). This worked great, until the French went and ruined it all.

Now, a confusing mélange of systems is used to judge. Super slow-motion replay is used by a technical specialist to verify things like the exact foot position at take-off and landing of a jump. I’m pretty sure Kim Yu-Na scored a 150.06 out of a possible 150. It’s crazy, and it doesn’t make any sense to the casual observer.

Bobsledding

Bobsledding (also known more effeminately as ‘bobsleighing’), is a sport where two or four competitors push a sled to start off, then jump in and guide it down an icy track as fast as possible. On the face of it, this may not seem so strange, as it’s simply yet another type of racing. What’s so ridiculous about it is that after the initial push-off, the person in the rear simply acts as ballast. Look at this:

There’s a driver, steering, but behind him? That’s just his brakeman, hunched over. He doesn’t even get to watch, because that would slow them down. Of course, as his name indicates he does have one more job; after they cross the finish line, he needs to pull the brakes to stop the sled.

On the four-man bobsled, seen above, there are three guys ducking down, hoping they don’t crash. And the two middle guys don’t even get to brake. They’re “pushmen”, and all they do is push and jump in, then duck and pray.

Nordic Combined

Cross-country skiing plus…ski jumping? How the hell did those two wind up together? Downhill plus ski jumping, that might make sense, but this is absurd.

So Much More

There’s plenty more, from the short-track speed skating relay (Holy hell, what is going on there?) to the mascots (Miga is a half-bear, half-killer whale who lives under the sea), but how much more can you take? I know I’m sated for now. Come back in another four years, and we’ll do it all over again.

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Footnotes:

1. Where “people of all stripes” of course means “Caucasians, along with some Asians”.   ↩

2. An exception will of course be made for Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette, whose decision to skate just days after her mother’s sudden death, was indeed courageous. Her bronze medal victory may well outshine the gold in the 2010 women’s figure skating event.   ↩

Information Update
Phone calls and bank trips needed to initiate a change on my bank accounts: 3

Confirmation letters received to my “old address”, making sure this change was authorized: 2 (one for each account)

Confirmation letters received at my “new address”, informing me of the change: 1 (oddly, one letter for both accounts)

Changes of address I was actually making: 0

Number of letters I was removing from my name: 1

Understanding of why bank fees are so expensive, when it takes all this to go from Paul R. Kafasis to Paul Kafasis: High

TD Bank Redux
Number of days from when the new TD Bank put up their “Open 7 Days A Week” sign to when they opened (predicted): 85

Number of days from when the new TD Bank put up their “Open 7 Days A Week” sign to when they opened (actual): 107

Logic of putting a sign claiming to be open up first, and then finishing construction of the actual business: 0

Records
Encouragements to “go green”, and use paperless electronic bank statements: Nearly ∞

Cost savings to the bank when I did so: >$0

Cost savings to me when I did so: $0

Months’ worth of electronic statements my bank keeps readily available: 12

Cost to retrieve an older statement: $15

My understanding of the phrase “going green” in this context: “Reducing unnecessary use of paper, thereby saving trees”.

Actual meaning of “going green” in this context: “Your green is going into the banks’ coffers”.

Readers from the Midwest may already be aware of this ridiculous product, but others may never have seen Homemade Brand Ice Cream. Nevertheless, it’s quite real.

Their history indicates that after over four decades as “United Dairy Farmers” ice cream, they introduced a new premium ice cream. They state that it was named Homemade “for its use of heavy levels of fresh condiments and low overrun”. Because when I think ‘homemade’, I think “low overruns”.

The site also states “the line was the result of two years of research and 32 different test formulations”. I don’t know about you, but when I’m perfecting a recipe at home, that’s about what I go through. I wear a lab coat while doing it, and I hold focus groups with neighborhood folk.

In closing, allow me to simply present the New Oxford American Dictionary definition for ‘homemade’:

I’ve done long-distance running for many years now, for exercise and fun. In the fall of 2009, I switched away from wearing traditional running shoes, instead opting to try the new Vibram Five Fingers (specifically, the KSO model, seen below).

Perhaps you’ve seen some of the articles on barefoot running, or Christopher McDougall’s book Born To Run, and been intrigued by the idea. The Five Fingers are designed to match the physical experience of being barefoot, while still providing a protective sole for the bottom of your feet.

So after six months with them, how do I feel about the Vibram Five Fingers, I’m pretending you’ve asked? Allow me to answer your imaginary question, and review the Vibram Five Fingers, with a Pro/Con list. Hell, this is my site, I’m gonna do it anyway.

Pro: I’m wearing gloves, on my feet. Foot gloves!
Con: Whenever I talk about my foot gloves, people are all “What the hell are ‘foot gloves’?”.

Pro: I look like I have gorilla feet when wearing the Five Fingers.
Con: Unlike true gorilla feet, the Vibram Five Fingers do not grant me an opposable big toe.

Pro: I feel like some kind of awesome superhero when I wear the Five Fingers.
Con: While I have been running faster, a 7:30 per mile average would make me the slowest Flash ever.

Pro: Thin soles make the Five Fingers perfect for nighttime cat burglary and other skullduggery.
Con: Kleptomania is a serious problem, and these shoes are an unhealthy enabler.

Pro: Cute, fit girls want to talk to me about my strange and interesting shoes.
Con: Everyone else on the road wants to talk to me about my strange and interesting shoes.

Pro: I no longer need to wear socks when I run, which means ever-so-slightly less laundry.
Con: When I return from a long winter run here in Boston, it’s not possible to know if I’m still wearing the shoes or I just have hypothermia¹.

Pro: Speaking of laundry, the shoes are machine-washable and can be air-dried, leaving them clean and stink-free.
Con: My all-in-one washer/dryer spins even during the wash cycle, so it always sounds like there’s an angry dwarf trapped in there.

Pro: The Five Fingers are extremely light and portable, making them easy to take when traveling.
Con: My stupid brain can no longer summon up an excuse to avoid running while traveling.

Pro: The snug, nearly-custom fit means you get to measure your feet to see what size you need. Who doesn’t like measuring their own anatomy?
Con: This also means you’ll wear a strange size, like a 41. That just sounds ridiculous!

Pro: The aforementioned nearly-custom sizing² of the shoes means they’re unlikely to be stolen.
Con: The jealousy of people with ill-proportioned toes, or just extra toes, is an ugly thing to behold. Even uglier than their disgusting, misshapen feet.

Pro: The Vibram Five Fingers are relatively inexpensive compared to most running shoes.
Con: Nevertheless, I have effectively paid $80 to not wear shoes.

All in all, I think the Vibram Five Fingers are pretty great, and I’d definitely recommend them to other runners. You’ll need to ease into them, and at times you may be forced back into normal trainers due to weather, but once you start using the Five Fingers, you’ll find they’re great for running, hiking, and more.

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Footnotes:

1. The Five Fingers are actually just fine for me in the cold. I’ve run in single digit temperatures without a problem. However, snow and slush are more of an issue than with traditional running shoes. ↩

2. My left shoe has two small tears in the upper portion. These don’t affect much, but they’re unsightly. However, my left foot is the bigger of the two, so I may have simply purchased a size too small. Next time I’ll likely try one size up. ↩

A while back I needed to purchase a couple bar stools for my kitchen counter. I wasn’t quite sure what I needed. Fortunately, I found all the answers I needed, on that magical place called the Internet.

Specifically, on Barstools4u.com, I found a fantastic info page which includes this image:

Here’s how this would have gone down before the Web:

INT. FURNITURE SHOWROOM, LIT BY FLUORESCENT BULBS

A male CUSTOMER in a FRIENDS T-SHIRT and STONE-WASHED JEANS approaches a SALES REP, who sports a SWEATER VEST and DARK CORDUROY PANTS.

Customer: Hi. I’m looking to purchase some bar stools.

Sales Rep: Sure, we can help you there. I’m going to need to ask you some questions. First up, how high is your counter?

Customer: It hovers 42 inches off the ground.

Sales Rep: For that, I would recommend a 30-inch stool.

Customer: Ah, ok. I also have a 36-inch counter in my basement. That too hovers, unsupported by any base.

Sales Rep: Ehhhh, for that, you’re probably looking at a 24 or 26-incher.

Customer: Got it. Now, I often wear, I dunno, some sort of helmet, when I eat? Will that change anything?

Sales Rep: Oh, no, not at all, you’re all set there.

Customer: Ah, great, great. I’m going to browse around, looking at many different items in rapid succession without needing to click any buttons.

PULL BACK TO EXT. FURNITURE SHOWROOM, BEFORE FADING OUT

I’ve returned from Macworld. Merlin Mann documented it well.

Click to view full-size

I’m contemplating zooming in and cropping everything else out, and making this my new avatar:

Back in August, I had jury duty. Because I served, I’m exempt until late 2012. So imagine my surprise when a scant six months after serving, I was told to appear again.

After serving, I scoffed when they told us “You’ll receive a certificate indicating you’ve served. Be sure to hold on to this, as it will be the only proof you’ve served”. This is the 21st century, isn’t it? Surely they couldn’t lose that information, right? But lose it they did.

Fortunately, Mama Kafasis didn’t raise no dummy, despite what the grammar in the beginning of this very sentence might indicate. I held on to my certificate, and was thus able to send back a reply card indicating I was exempt, all the while grumbling about just how crappy their randomization system must be. Shortly after, I received a reply.

This reply was delighfully bureaucratic. In addition to telling me I didn’t need to appear, it contained a comment card. The text on top reads:

We are interested in knowing how well you were treated by this office since receiving your summons. Below is a postcard where you may make comments if you wish. All remarks or suggestions are usually read, considered, and always treated confidentially.

All remarks are usually read? What the hell is that?

The most telling part of this card, however, is not the above quote. No, it’s the fact that unlike the response card, this feedback card requires a stamp:

Enough is enough for me. Next time, I’m telling them both that I am a cop, and that I hate cops. That kind of crazy has got to get me on some kind of Do-Not-Summon list, right?