Now, Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade to get the ad removed from the airwaves. She’s also seeking monetary damages of $50 million in exemplary damages, plus another $50 million in compensatory damages.

Despite their legal claims, no one was talking about the baby being modeled after Lindsay Lohan. Now, in a perfect example of the Streisand Effect, everyone will be. What an idiot.

Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said the actress has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna.

No.

Rusty is a 10-month old puppy up for adoption at the MSPCA, and he’s been selected as the Pet of the Week over at Bostonist.com. Rusty is a Dachshund mix whose owners can’t take care of him any longer. He’s already neutered, and will cost just $225 to adopt, plus the fees for training classes.

There’s also something very familiar about Rusty. I just can’t put my finger on it…

Holy shit it’s Dug! From Up! I have to go to the MSPCA this instant. Meanwhile, you enjoy this ridiculous side-by-side comparison.

Best Actress: Sandra Bullock as Leigh Anne Tuohy in The Blind Side
Why She Really Won: Her role as Angela Bennett in The Net.

Best Actor: Jeff Bridges as Bad Blake in Crazy Heart
Why He Really Won: His role as The Dude in The Big Lebowski.

Best Foreign Language Film: Argentina’s El Secreto de Sus Ojos (The Secret in Their Eyes)
Why It Really Won: The Falkland Islands.

Best Picture: The Hurt Locker
Why It Really Won: Atonement for the collective man-years lost by the people of the world sitting through Avatar.

Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker
Why She Really Won: Her infinitely-superior film Point Break. Additionally, to really stick it to her ex-husband James Cameron, nominated in the same category for directing Avatar.

For three straight years, the Oregon Urology Institute has been pitching the idea that if you time your vasectomy right, you can use the recovery period to watch March Madness. One radio ad even advises guys to “take care of your equipment and lower your seed for the tournament”. Terrible. Just terrible.

The biggest problem I see is, what excuse will you use next year?

When the officer arrived, Gonzalez said, he was apologetic and appreciative of the snowlady and her assets. “He said, ‘It’s very good,’” Gonzalez recalled.

Despite his appreciation, the officer then asked the family to dress the snowlady. Nonplussed, they complied with a green bikini top and a blue sarong around her ample hips.

I’m not quite sure where the line should be, but this was far from pornographic or obscene. Hell, the snowwoman didn’t even have nipples, let alone anything south of the equator. I definitely have to agree with Ms. Gonzalez, who said, “She looked more objectified and sexualized after you put the bikini on”.

Length

The first thing to consider when selecting a PIN is its length. Here, there’s always a trade-off between security and convenience. A PIN like 93725493629364012641274 is very secure, but not very convenient to enter. Conversely, a PIN like 7 is very convenient to enter, but not very secure. If you have a choice, you probably want a PIN that’s between 4 and 9 digits in length.

Memorable

Ok, so you need a number that’s around 6 digits long. That may seem simple enough, but what many people fail to realize is that their PIN must also be memorable. At first glance, a PIN such as 763829 might seem appropriate – it’s a perfect 6 digits long, after all. But how the heck are you going to remember that? You won’t, because it’s a pile of crap.

When selecting your PIN, you need to make sure it’s something you’ll remember under even extreme stress, because you need to pay that pimp like right now and he doesn’t care how much you had to drink before you spent time with his ho, he just wants his goddamned money immediately, you miserable son of a bitch.

Birthdays

So, how do you select a PIN of the right length which is also memorable? Birthdays are a good place to start, but your own birthday is much too obvious. Instead, how about the October 7th, 1955 birthday of violin legend Yo Yo Ma? That yields a dexterous PIN of 10755. German Chancellor Angela Merkel is also a good choice. As everyone knows, her birthday is July 17th, 1954, which gives us the strong, musky-smelling PIN 71754.

Musicians and erotic foreign leaders aren’t your only options, however. Your pet’s birthday can also be a good source for your PIN. Of course, you probably don’t know your pet’s exact birthday. If that’s the case, you’ll need to just make one up. To ensure you’ll remember both the date and your associated PIN, you’ll want to plan a lavish party for your Alistair Fuzzypaws or little Miss Whiskers. Be sure to handwrite the date on calligraphed invitations for all the neighborhood pets, to enhance recall!

Stylish PINs

Perhaps you’re hoping for something with a bit more style and flair. If so, you’re in luck. First, there are retro PINs, such as 12345. This is commonly known as the Spaceballs PIN, and it dates back to 1987 and the film of the same name.

Maybe you’re after something a bit more modern, a bit more twenty-first century. In this case, there are Chic PINs for you. For something a bit trendier, allow me to suggest the very popular Bluetooth Pairing PIN, 0000.

Finally, for the swinging bachelor and the pubescent boy with his first ATM card alike, there are sexy PINs. These PINs will titillate, arose, and most assuredly never be forgotten. Perhaps the best of these is the grade-school classic 80085. Magnificent, isn’t it? Sadly, you won’t get to see its magnificence on the ATM screen, as it will be replaced with *****. But the machine will know. It will know, and it will appreciate your sensuality.

Conclusion

I hope this guide to the world of PIN (numbers) has helped you in your quest to select the perfect PIN. There are many styles to choose from, but the absolute most important thing when picking a PIN is that you believe in yourself. Selecting a good PIN is no different from performing open-heart surgery or sending a man to the moon. All it really requires is confidence.

Original price: $29.99
New price: $41,300.
But hey, at least shipping was free.

That’s why the Vancouver organizers have laid in a stock of 100,000 condoms, which works out to 14 for each of the 7,000 athletes, coaches, trainers and officials housed in the Games’ two villages.

The distribution of free condoms at the Olympics goes back at least to 1992 and Barcelona. In 2000, Sydney organizers thought that 70,000 would be enough. They were wrong and had to send out for 20,000 more. Beijing also ordered 100,000 condoms with an Olympic motto: Faster, higher, stronger.

Even better, the U.S. Curling Association has their own brand of condom, “Hurry Hard” (a curling phrase used to encourage faster ice sweeping). Fantastic.

I applaud the encouragement of safe sex, but ‘Faster’? ‘Hurry’? Olympic athletes need to learn that some things shouldn’t be races.

The Opening Ceremonies

Did you see this guy?

I watched this with no audio from a bar in San Francisco, so perhaps I missed out on some context. But really, what the hell was going on there?

We saw this guy running in place, faster and faster, until he started flying around. Boy did he look surprised about it too, particularly for someone who was attached to a set of wires. This went on, and on, and on, and just when we thought it would be over, it went on some more.

And come on – clam diggers?

Ski Jumping

As previously noted, there’s currently no women’s ski jump at the Olympics. This was, and remains, bullshit.

Curling

Unfortunately, there is curling at the Olympics. I don’t even really want to get into this here. If you’ve seen curling, better known as Janitors on Ice, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t seen curling, consider yourself lucky.

Scott Hamilton

I’m sure Scott Hamilton is a great guy. He won gold for the US in 1984, and he’s an active philanthropist. But good god, the man has no idea what the word ‘courage’ means.

When a skater attempts a jump which he’s been practicing for months, even if it’s a relatively difficult jump, that is not courageous. When a skater completes a routine she’s completed dozens of times before, both in practice and competition, it was not courageous. When a fireman rushes into a burning building to save someone, that is courageous. By and large, figure skaters are talented, athletic, and highly-skilled, but nothing they do on the ice qualifies as courageous.²

Figure Skating Judging

In the old days, scores showed up from each country’s judge. We could all boo the Soviet judge for giving such an outrageously low score to our American skater, and then laugh as it was cut from being counted (along with the highest score). This worked great, until the French went and ruined it all.

Now, a confusing mélange of systems is used to judge. Super slow-motion replay is used by a technical specialist to verify things like the exact foot position at take-off and landing of a jump. I’m pretty sure Kim Yu-Na scored a 150.06 out of a possible 150. It’s crazy, and it doesn’t make any sense to the casual observer.

Bobsledding

Bobsledding (also known more effeminately as ‘bobsleighing’), is a sport where two or four competitors push a sled to start off, then jump in and guide it down an icy track as fast as possible. On the face of it, this may not seem so strange, as it’s simply yet another type of racing. What’s so ridiculous about it is that after the initial push-off, the person in the rear simply acts as ballast. Look at this:

There’s a driver, steering, but behind him? That’s just his brakeman, hunched over. He doesn’t even get to watch, because that would slow them down. Of course, as his name indicates he does have one more job; after they cross the finish line, he needs to pull the brakes to stop the sled.

On the four-man bobsled, seen above, there are three guys ducking down, hoping they don’t crash. And the two middle guys don’t even get to brake. They’re “pushmen”, and all they do is push and jump in, then duck and pray.

Nordic Combined

Cross-country skiing plus…ski jumping? How the hell did those two wind up together? Downhill plus ski jumping, that might make sense, but this is absurd.

So Much More

There’s plenty more, from the short-track speed skating relay (Holy hell, what is going on there?) to the mascots (Miga is a half-bear, half-killer whale who lives under the sea), but how much more can you take? I know I’m sated for now. Come back in another four years, and we’ll do it all over again.

1. Where “people of all stripes” of course means “Caucasians, along with some Asians”.   ↩

2. An exception will of course be made for Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette, whose decision to skate just days after her mother’s sudden death, was indeed courageous. Her bronze medal victory may well outshine the gold in the 2010 women’s figure skating event.   ↩

When Steve Jobs personally called Woodstock, Georgia native Louie Sulcer to tell him he’d won Apple’s iTunes Store 10 Billion Song Sold contest, Sulcer first thought was that he was being pranked.

The picture on the Rolling Stone article, while unrelated, is perfect.

To be fair to Sulcer, Steve Jobs and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak were notorious prank phone callers back in the 70s, abusing the Bell phone system with blue boxes.

The dough cones are shipped to Pinto daily from a Connecticut bakery, and each Pizzacone is made to order at the counter; you tell them what ingredients to add, and then it’s cooked in the oven for five minutes.

The result, according to one early guinea pig, is as convenient as it is delicious.

Reports don’t indicate that it’s the case, but I can’t help imagining that the middle of one of these is nothing but a lake of fire.

Update: I’ve just been pointed to this K!Pizzacone unboxing video, as well as the information that there are two sizes: K! and K!!. It’s unclear how the hell one orders that.

TD Bank Redux
Number of days from when the new TD Bank put up their “Open 7 Days A Week” sign to when they opened (predicted): 85

Number of days from when the new TD Bank put up their “Open 7 Days A Week” sign to when they opened (actual): 107

Logic of putting a sign claiming to be open up first, and then finishing construction of the actual business: 0

Records
Encouragements to “go green”, and use paperless electronic bank statements: Nearly ∞

Cost savings to the bank when I did so: >$0

Cost savings to me when I did so: $0

Months’ worth of electronic statements my bank keeps readily available: 12

Cost to retrieve an older statement: $15

My understanding of the phrase “going green” in this context: “Reducing unnecessary use of paper, thereby saving trees”.

Actual meaning of “going green” in this context: “Your green is going into the banks’ coffers”.

Their history indicates that after over four decades as “United Dairy Farmers” ice cream, they introduced a new premium ice cream. They state that it was named Homemade “for its use of heavy levels of fresh condiments and low overrun”. Because when I think ‘homemade’, I think “low overruns”.

The site also states “the line was the result of two years of research and 32 different test formulations”. I don’t know about you, but when I’m perfecting a recipe at home, that’s about what I go through. I wear a lab coat while doing it, and I hold focus groups with neighborhood folk.

In closing, allow me to simply present the New Oxford American Dictionary definition for ‘homemade’:

Perhaps you’ve seen some of the articles on barefoot running, or Christopher McDougall’s book Born To Run, and been intrigued by the idea. The Five Fingers are designed to match the physical experience of being barefoot, while still providing a protective sole for the bottom of your feet.

So after six months with them, how do I feel about the Vibram Five Fingers, I’m pretending you’ve asked? Allow me to answer your imaginary question, and review the Vibram Five Fingers, with a Pro/Con list. Hell, this is my site, I’m gonna do it anyway.

Pro: I’m wearing gloves, on my feet. Foot gloves!
Con: Whenever I talk about my foot gloves, people are all “What the hell are ‘foot gloves’?”.

Pro: I look like I have gorilla feet when wearing the Five Fingers.
Con: Unlike true gorilla feet, the Vibram Five Fingers do not grant me an opposable big toe.

Pro: I feel like some kind of awesome superhero when I wear the Five Fingers.
Con: While I have been running faster, a 7:30 per mile average would make me the slowest Flash ever.

Pro: Thin soles make the Five Fingers perfect for nighttime cat burglary and other skullduggery.
Con: Kleptomania is a serious problem, and these shoes are an unhealthy enabler.

Pro: Cute, fit girls want to talk to me about my strange and interesting shoes.
Con: Everyone else on the road wants to talk to me about my strange and interesting shoes.

Pro: I no longer need to wear socks when I run, which means ever-so-slightly less laundry.
Con: When I return from a long winter run here in Boston, it’s not possible to know if I’m still wearing the shoes or I just have hypothermia¹.

Pro: Speaking of laundry, the shoes are machine-washable and can be air-dried, leaving them clean and stink-free.
Con: My all-in-one washer/dryer spins even during the wash cycle, so it always sounds like there’s an angry dwarf trapped in there.

Pro: The Five Fingers are extremely light and portable, making them easy to take when traveling.
Con: My stupid brain can no longer summon up an excuse to avoid running while traveling.

Pro: The snug, nearly-custom fit means you get to measure your feet to see what size you need. Who doesn’t like measuring their own anatomy?
Con: This also means you’ll wear a strange size, like a 41. That just sounds ridiculous!

Pro: The aforementioned nearly-custom sizing² of the shoes means they’re unlikely to be stolen.
Con: The jealousy of people with ill-proportioned toes, or just extra toes, is an ugly thing to behold. Even uglier than their disgusting, misshapen feet.

Pro: The Vibram Five Fingers are relatively inexpensive compared to most running shoes.
Con: Nevertheless, I have effectively paid $80 to not wear shoes.

All in all, I think the Vibram Five Fingers are pretty great, and I’d definitely recommend them to other runners. You’ll need to ease into them, and at times you may be forced back into normal trainers due to weather, but once you start using the Five Fingers, you’ll find they’re great for running, hiking, and more.

1. The Five Fingers are actually just fine for me in the cold. I’ve run in single digit temperatures without a problem. However, snow and slush are more of an issue than with traditional running shoes. ↩

2. My left shoe has two small tears in the upper portion. These don’t affect much, but they’re unsightly. However, my left foot is the bigger of the two, so I may have simply purchased a size too small. Next time I’ll likely try one size up. ↩

Specifically, on Barstools4u.com, I found a fantastic info page which includes this image:

Here’s how this would have gone down before the Web:

INT. FURNITURE SHOWROOM, LIT BY FLUORESCENT BULBS

A male CUSTOMER in a FRIENDS T-SHIRT and STONE-WASHED JEANS approaches a SALES REP, who sports a SWEATER VEST and DARK CORDUROY PANTS.

Customer: Hi. I’m looking to purchase some bar stools.

Sales Rep: Sure, we can help you there. I’m going to need to ask you some questions. First up, how high is your counter?

Customer: It hovers 42 inches off the ground.

Sales Rep: For that, I would recommend a 30-inch stool.

Customer: Ah, ok. I also have a 36-inch counter in my basement. That too hovers, unsupported by any base.

Sales Rep: Ehhhh, for that, you’re probably looking at a 24 or 26-incher.

Customer: Got it. Now, I often wear, I dunno, some sort of helmet, when I eat? Will that change anything?

Sales Rep: Oh, no, not at all, you’re all set there.

Customer: Ah, great, great. I’m going to browse around, looking at many different items in rapid succession without needing to click any buttons.

PULL BACK TO EXT. FURNITURE SHOWROOM, BEFORE FADING OUT

Van didn’t get to defend this in the 2010 Olympics, however. While Lindsey may be a unisex name, Olympic ski jumping isn’t a unisex sport, and Lindsey is a woman. There is no women’s ski jumping in the Olympics, and women can’t compete with the men.

As you can see from the individual results, just two men beat Van’s record. The linked Time article goes into detail about why the IOC has chosen not to have the event, but no amount of explanation can change one simple fact:

The world record holder for Vancouver’s jump was ineligible to compete, solely because of her gender. That’s not right.

Click to view full-size

I’m contemplating zooming in and cropping everything else out, and making this my new avatar:

After serving, I scoffed when they told us “You’ll receive a certificate indicating you’ve served. Be sure to hold on to this, as it will be the only proof you’ve served”. This is the 21st century, isn’t it? Surely they couldn’t lose that information, right? But lose it they did.

Fortunately, Mama Kafasis didn’t raise no dummy, despite what the grammar in the beginning of this very sentence might indicate. I held on to my certificate, and was thus able to send back a reply card indicating I was exempt, all the while grumbling about just how crappy their randomization system must be. Shortly after, I received a reply.

This reply was delighfully bureaucratic. In addition to telling me I didn’t need to appear, it contained a comment card. The text on top reads:

We are interested in knowing how well you were treated by this office since receiving your summons. Below is a postcard where you may make comments if you wish. All remarks or suggestions are usually read, considered, and always treated confidentially.

All remarks are usually read? What the hell is that?

The most telling part of this card, however, is not the above quote. No, it’s the fact that unlike the response card, this feedback card requires a stamp:

Enough is enough for me. Next time, I’m telling them both that I am a cop, and that I hate cops. That kind of crazy has got to get me on some kind of Do-Not-Summon list, right?

@texburgher

@biorhythmist

@sween

@biorhythmist

@damselesque

That’s all pretty gross, and you’re all sickening in my book. My disgusting, disgusting book.

Submit Your Own
Have you spotted your own disgusting tweets? Suggest them via email.

Note that this is not an issue of the sender flipping the page over and accidentally sending a blank sheet. If the top is not at the top, the software barfs.

Acceptable:

Unacceptable:

And it’s been this way for 22 years.

Me: (tries to visit a local restaurant’s website via iPhone)
Restaurant website: I require Flash. Fuck off.
Me: I just want to know how late you’re open.
Website: Nope.
Me: But I’m on my phone. Don’t you have a little “HTML Version” link up in the corner or something?
Website: I’m ignoring you.

Click the link to read the whole conversation for much more amusement.

Sales of CJ Corporation’s snack sausages are on the increase in South Korea because of the cold weather; they are useful as a meat stylus for those who don’t want to take off their gloves to use their iPhones

Yes, a “meat stylus”.

Is It Real or Fake?

1. Elvis Presley Turns 75
   
   Answer: Real [Link]

2. China Shopping Center Builds Car Park for Women
   
   Answer: Real [Link]

3. U.S. Finally Gets Around To Prosecuting Mastermind Behind 9/11
   
   Answer: Fake [Link]

4. 14 Terror Suspects Mistakenly Kill Themselves
   
   Answer: Real [Link]

5. Dye Pack Foils Art Thief
   
   Answer: Fake [Link]

Now tally up your score, giving yourself 1 point for each right answer, and subtracting 5 points for each wrong answer. Did you get a positive score? Cheater.

Submit Your Own
Find your own ridiculous “Should be fake, but it’s real” headline or story and send it my way.

New York City and New York State are not known as the most sanitary places in the world, and the Hudson River has had plenty of problems with pollution. And yet here it is, New York Spring Water (pictures courtesy of Ally D.):

Most bottled water is fairly stupid, of course, but it’s the marketing here which makes New York Spring Water truly ridiculous. In addition to the name, dig that catchy, incredibly defensive slogan:

It’s clean. It’s natural. We promise.

Such a slogan attempts to acknowledge the negative associations and overcome them with earnestness. Sadly, earnestness and New York City go together about as well as, well, cleanliness and New York City. Nevertheless, I suppose the slogan is probably better than what I might have expected from New York. After all, they could have gone with something like “Wadya, scared?” or “Just shaddup and drink it already!”.

See the map on Google Maps

February 1st, 12:38 AM:
Steals a Ford Escort from Scampini Square in Barre, Vermont (A).

February 1st, 12:58 AM:
Ditches the Ford Escort and steals David Barber’s 2002 Subaru Impreza from Shady Tree Road in Warren, Vermont (B) (hidden behind (C)).

February 1st, shortly after 1:00 AM:
Breaks into Francis Faillace’s Subaru (C), then returns to the stolen Impreza. While being chased by Fallais, accelerates to 130 MPH on East Warren Road (D).

Shortly after, refuses to stop for a cop with lights and siren on Sugarbush Access Road in Warren (E). Loses control of the car and drives into a field, then takes off running, with a policeman following in pursuit.

During this foot pursuit, continues to enter unlocked cars and steal loose change.

February 1st, approximately 1:15 AM:
Runs to Upper Pines Road in Warren (F), 3/4 of a mile from where Barber’s stolen Subaru was left in the field. Steals a 1995 white Subaru Impreza belonging to 22-year-old Stacey Powers.

Continues stealing loose change from three other vehicles.

February 1st, approximately 1:30 AM:
Again came upon Faillace, on Moretown Mountain Road (G), crashes at the intersection of that road and Devil’s Washbowl and took off on foot again.

While running along Moretown Mountain Road, steals change and prescription medication from an unlocked vehicle.

February 1st, approximately 2:00 AM:
Finds an unlocked Kia Sephia with the keys in it. Drives same to Barre, crashing into a signpost on the way.

February 1st, approximately 2:15 AM:
Parks the stolen Sephia on Summer Street in Barre (H), walks to a friend’s apartment to “get some sleep after such a long night”.

February 1st, approximately 7:00 AM:
Finally caught by a police dog tracking his scent, Sadler confesses to taking the Kia and admits to other thefts.

Incredible.