Subaru’s were particularly reliable targets, [Sadler] told Ambroz.

“He said: ‘I go for Subaru’s because Subaru owners leave their cars unlocked with the keys in it all the time,’” said Ambroz.

My favorite part of the story, however, is the description of part of Sadler’s spree on February 1st, after he crashed a Subaru Impreza in a field.

Sadler told police he lost control of the car and drove into a field where he finally had to stop, records state, so he jumped out and took off running as the police officer chased him with a flashlight.

As Sadler fled on foot, he continued to enter unlocked cars and steal loose change, the affidavit states.

Picture it! He’s wrecked a car, after leading a cop on a high speed chase. Now, Sadler’s fleeing on foot with a police officer in hot pursuit. And what is he doing? He’s breaking into cars to steal pennies from the ashtrays!

Then, later on:

Sadler took off in this car and continued stealing loose change from three other vehicles, according to police.

The man got another car, and instead of just getting away as fast as possible, he stopped to steal change from three more cars! That is truly some obsessively-compulsive numismatic lunacy.

1. When a journalist asked bank robber Willie Sutton why he robbed banks, he was (likely erroneously) reported to have replied “Because that’s where the money is”.   ↩

A high level Pakistani diplomat has been rejected as Ambassador of Saudi Arabia because his name, Akbar Zib, equates to “Biggest Dick” in Arabic.

It’s hard to believe this is real, isn’t it? But the video is right here, and you can see it for yourself 25 seconds in.

The topper? Earlier during her speech, she criticized President Obama’s use of a teleprompter.

1. Incidentally, at this moment, Google News finds 2285 stories for the phrase “tea party convention”. That’s nearly 3.81 stories for each attendee (600) of the damned thing. Liberal media, my ass.   ↩

“Nothing.”

Pocket Sitar Is a Virtual Sitar for the iPhone [Link]

“Finally!”

Do We Want Brain Scanners to Read Our Minds? [Link]

“      .”

Please note that Mr. Bell¹, founder of Taco Bell, isn’t being honored by any sissy “Mild” or even “Hot” sauce. No, he commands the respect of the hottest hot sauce, Fire². Hot sauce packets started sporting sassy slogans years back, so this seems a fittingly undignified tribute for the founder of an undignified restaurant.

What really puts it over the top for me, however, is the music player in the upper right. From least to most inappropriate, the music choices are:

The Taco Bell Orchestra Mix
It’s not really on target, but an orchestra is as close to ceremony and honor as you’re going to find here.

The Taco Bell Club Mix
While not exactly downbeat, the Club Mix is at least soft, even soothing.

The Taco Bell Hip Hop Mix
The Hip Hop Mix actually is downbeat, and one can easily imagine a memorial rap being performed over it. I rank it as more inappropriate than the Club Mix because, well, Glen Bell was not a gangsta. And yes, that image is real³.

The Taco Bell Lounge Mix
It’s suitably mellow, yes, but it leaves me feeling I should be sipping a Mai Tai in a grotto somewhere. That has made me sad, but only because I realized I don’t hang out in enough grottos.

The Taco Bell Salsa Mix
This is far too upbeat, though it is the closest to real salsa that Taco Bell ever gets.

The Taco Bell Brand Mix
We have a winner! The background music from the company’s ads is easily the least appropriate music to mourn by.

If you’re actually feeling in a solemn mood, you can visit tacobell.com and mouse over the logo in the upper left. The bell will chime, an angel will get its gastrointestinal problems, and Glen Bell will be honored.

1. Many were shocked to learn that anyone would willingly associate his name with it, but indeed, Taco Bell was named after its founder.   ↩

2. On a completely unrelated side-note, I’m finding it difficult to believe that there was no American Gladiator named “Fire”. Nitro, Blaze, even Zap, but no Fire?   ↩

3. That’s the cover from his book, Taco Titan: The Glen Bell Story   ↩

• They may be ugly, but our cars aren’t going to run you into a brick wall unless you tell them to.

• Our cars don’t accelerate uncontrollably, but even if they did, their mileage is so poor, you wouldn’t go far!

• We’ll tow your deathtrap away and give you a ride to our dealership.

• Our steel beats their plastic, even if that plastic is coming at you at runaway speed.

• Sure, your Prius probably won’t kill you. But do you really want to bet your life on it?

• Ok, but what about your kid’s life? You monster.

• ♫ No government official has told you to stop driving a Ford, lately! ♫

No ill effects were reported by hundreds of volunteers who took part in a mass-overdose stunt around the world to demonstrate that homeopathic remedies are nothing more than sugar pills.

“No one was cured of anything either,”

It meant that the Boazer¹ wished to use the lavatory but that he wanted the seat warmed for him before he sat down.

The six House lavatories, none with doors, were situated in an unheated outhouse and on a cold day in winter you could get frostbite out there if you stayed too long. This particular day was icy-cold, and I went out through the snow into the outhouse and entered number one lavatory, which I knew was reserved for Boazers only. I wiped the frost off the seat with my handkerchief, then I lowered my trousers and sat down. I was there a full fifteen minutes in the freezing cold before Wilberforce arrived on the scene.

“Have you got the ice off it?” he asked.

“Yes, Wilberforce.”

“Is it WARM?”

“It’s as warm as I can get it, Wilberforce,” I said.

“We shall soon find out,” he said. “You can get off now.”

I got off the lavatory seat and pulled up my trousers. Wilberforce lowered his own trousers and sat down. “Very good,” he said. “Very good indeed.” He was like a wine taster sampling an old claret. “I shall put you on my list,” he added.

I stood there doing up my fly-buttons and not knowing what on earth he meant.

“Some Fags³ have cold bottoms,” he said, “and some have hot ones. I only use hot-bottomed Fags to heat my bog-seat. I won’t forget you.”

Sash commented “It seems like this is a sick tendency in British culture. What is with them?”. I really don’t have an answer.

1. “Boazer” was term used for a prefect², at Dahl’s school.   ↩

2. You didn’t go to private school either? A prefect is a student whose seniority and/or accomplishment grants him authority over other students.   ↩

3. A “Fag” was a student assigned to a Boazer, tasked with menial duties.   ↩

Following this, Garrett deleted the tweet and said:

I apologize. Bit.ly turned my original link to SOTU excerpts to a soft-porn link. NOT my intention. [Link]

and then:

For those suckling snide syrup. I publicly acknowledged an innocent mistake and corrected it. [Link]

An “innocent mistake”? Really, Major? The first follow-up appeared to be an attempt to blame the URL shortener, bit.ly. That is, of course, bunk. It doesn’t happen, bit.ly doesn’t screw up links like this. But later, it instead became an “innocent mistake”? Come on!

Major, if you’re going to use bullshit guns, at least stick to your bullshit guns, no matter how many flies you attract or how disgusting your hands start to smell.

I was simultaneously amused and terrified by this poll. I knew my vote. Hell, I knew the right vote, and it sure as hell wasn’t “Steve Jobs”. But how would America at large do?

Yes! America ekes out a win!

So, three months later, how many people have signed up to pay $5 a week, or $260 a year, to get unfettered access to newsday.com?

The answer: 35 people. As in fewer than three dozen. As in a decent-sized elementary-school class.

Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.

I’ve got a sneaking suspicion the editor who wrote that knew exactly what he was doing.

The original Audioholics review shows fantastic comparison pictures, as well as testing of the audio. While in the Wired article THX claims that Lexicon somehow improved things, the actual audio comparisons prove otherwise.

Here’s the real topper: because the Oppo has been improved (via firmware upgrades) and the Lexicon has not received those upgrades, the $500 player has better audio performance than the $3500 player. So $3000 actually buys a slightly crappier Blu-Ray player. Fantastic!

Of course, it’s easy to criticize the way things are, without coming up with superior alternatives.

Cathartic, too.

1. The best source I’ve found for these numbers is Pigskin Revolution.   ↩

2. I’m too lazy to compile the numbers for the 2006 through 2009 numbers, but if someone sends them to me, I’ll update this. I don’t believe the percentage will change significantly.   ↩

@abigvictory

@jkubicek

@ccsteff

@trelvix

@nevenmrgan

We laughed. We cried. We puked. Now let’s never speak of these again. Especially Neven’s.

Submit Your Own
Have you spotted your own disgusting tweets? Suggest them via email.

You can check out the site, or just view a few sample images here:

• This is not how you jump rope.

• If I understand it correctly, when you’re pole dancing, you don’t need to worry about what you’re wearing, as it’s not supposed to stay on for long.

• Finally, if you ever need to make “cleavage” unsexy, just add the word “sweat”. Witness: cleavage sweat!

Today’s victim is Dunkin’ Donuts food items. Ads for Dunkin’ Donuts are almost as plentiful as the stores themselves, so this isn’t exactly a hard target. Perhaps the most difficult part is getting a decent picture on a moving subway train, using an iPhone. You’ll see I was only moderately successful there.

I’ve sometimes thought of getting fake mouths, to go with the googly eyes. This slightly blurry guy, however, doesn’t even need a fake mouth. He is simply ecstatic to be alive.

Of course, that may change soon, as he’s about to be breakfast.

The details on this guy crack me up. Note the lower left, where you can see that he’s a Smart Menu item. He certainly looks smart – check out that cranium he’s sporting.

Incidentally, I call him the “Brain Muffin”. That joke is terrible, and so it is provided completely free of charge.

This one, however, is my favorite. Have a look at this poor cruller. He’s just become sentient. His eyes have opened to the world for the first time. And he is horrified. He’s horrified at what he sees, horrified at what he is, and if he’s got half as much intelligence as the Brain Muffin, horrified at what his future holds.

For more googly eyed amusement, see Googly Eyes: Subway Ads.

E-mail
E-cards received from friends and family: 2

Other emails received from friends and family, with birthday wishes: 6

Emails received from assorted companies, and the automated emailing robots which represent them: 9

Ratio by which programmed robotic love outweighs human love, using email as a benchmark: 9:8

Gifts
Facebook, Twitter, and other non-email well-wishes received: Dozens

Facebook virtual gifts received: 0, thankfully

Coupons and gifts received from the previously mentioned companies and robots: 3

Savings ING Direct is offering me at the ING Direct Store, for bright orange and belogo-ed things like “mugs, bags, books, and more”: 15% off

Gratitude I feel for this particular “gift”: None at all.

As for the space shuttle main engines, those are now free. NASA advertised them in December 2008 for $400,000 to $800,000 each, but no one expressed interest. So now the engines are available, along with other shuttle artifacts, for the cost of transportation and handling.

Alright guys, we missed our shot at a T-Rex skeleton. I don’t expect you to chip in for a whole shuttle. But we can surely raise the money to cover shipping for a mere 7000 pound engine.

We’ll keep it at my house, and anyone who contributes can come visit whenever they like.

From Drew S.’s self-assured foolishness to the delightful crassness of Christa M. to the pleasing licentiousness of Maggie S., I was blown away by the comedy. If you haven’t read the reviews, go do so now – you’ll be glad you did.

As well, Reviewbombing now has a logo. Check him out full size!

Now that’s a good lookin’ logo. Thanks are due to @msteciuk, who has also assisted with various bits of art and design for One Foot Tsunami.

I should also take a minute to express long overdue appreciation to @antichrista for her artwork on the site, including the header and footer seen on every page. Said appreciation is now enshrined on the About page, where it will last forever, or at least until I edit that page again.

You can take a gander at one I started myself and this Minor Tweaks search should prove illuminating as well. And by the way, Tom, I’m still waiting for my drugs.

Anyhow, yesterday, I wrote about the Durex Variety Bowl. It was pointed out to me that, sadly, the Amazon page for this ridiculous product had no reviews. I think it’s our duty to rectify this. Since Minor Tweaks is on an extended hiatus, and I went to all the trouble of naming the practice, I’m borrowing the Amazon reviewbomb for my own site.

Are you up for it? If so, just visit the Durex Variety Bowl page, and leave a humorous review of some sort.

This preposterous purchase will give you 144 condoms, in several different varieties¹, all in one convenient candy bowl. A gross of condoms. Gross. It’s quite a bargain though, as the Durex Variety Bowl costs just $29.99.

“But Paul”, I hear my male readers whining, “I’m not some sort of man-whore. How will I use all of these?”. To that I reply that perhaps you should become some sort of man-whore. Certainly any girl who sees this in your bedroom will assume as much anyway, so why not go with it? If she sticks around, you’ll enjoy carnal pleasures and possibly earn some spendin’ money while you’re at it.

Honestly though, when a girl sees this on a guy’s nightstand, won’t she be horrified? Or perhaps even worse, how about when a guy sees it on a girl’s nightstand? Hooray for safe sex and the cost savings of buying in bulk, but there are limits!

In spite of the incredible lasciviousness of this product, or possibly because of it, you may find it appealing. Perhaps you like a challenge. If you do decide to take the plunge, you’re likely to find yourself in a race against the expiration dates on these prophylactics. My advice? Spring for the express shipping. Every second counts.

1. According to Drugstore.com, they are:
      • Natural Feeling
      • Pleasure Max
      • Extra Sensitive
      • Her Sensation
   Who gets to name these things? That seems like a sweet gig.   ↩

Possible explanations for Casio’s “YouTube Capture Mode”:

• Video content is automatically uploaded directly to Google, so that your homemade pornography can be rapidly indexed and provided in all relevant web searches.
• Incredibly asinine comments are added to all videos!
• Ads overlaid on all videos help you maximize the monetization of your kids’ soccer games.
• Video quality is drastically reduced. It’s a feature!
• Casio managers and executives don’t understand YouTube in the slightest, and know only two things about it:
  1) It’s popular.
  2) It’s worth billions.
  
  So, ya know…cross-marketing via stickers!

He said the service was an update of a traditional back-to-work ceremony called “Plow Monday”, in which villagers gathered to bless a symbolic farming implement dragged to the church’s door.