In the past, my friend and colleague Cabel Sasser has had some great posts about ridiculous fireworks. You can give the posts from 2007, 2008, and 2009 a read. Sadly, Cabel appears to have passed away sometime last fall¹, so as a tribute to him, I thought I’d share my own fireworks discoveries.

During a recent trip to West Virginia, my friend Drew and I stopped by Phantom Fireworks, just over the border in Pennsylvania. Due to bizarre state regulations, it’s legal to sell fireworks in Pennsylvania, but Pennsylvania residents may not purchase them. That means that Phantom is open only to out-of-state residents, so in addition to owning the prestigious fireworks.com domain, they have locations at the borders of New Jersey, Maryland, West Virginia, New York, and more.

In the United States, few things are as patriotic as blowing shit up. Indeed, fireworks share a place alongside mom and apple pie, and are enjoyed by Americans from sea to shining sea. However, having never been to a fireworks outlet before, I didn’t really know what to expect. After walking by signs warning severely against smoking and passing a fairly rigorous ID check, we gained access to several dozen aisles of absurd explosives. Here are some of the most ridiculous.

Honestly, these are the worst firefighters ever.

A three wolf explosion – memetastic!

It’s already a tank. It doesn’t need a suffix.

I don’t think you know how jets work.

Ok, I’m sure you don’t know what Skylab was.

Warning: Do not attempt to drink fireworks.

I enjoy how this one rips off multiple beer logos simultaneously.

Oh god, Drew, no!

There’s something inappropriate about using firecrackers in a salute to Abraham Lincoln, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

There were many more, but one post can only contain so many explosives. If you just can’t get enough, be sure to watch Cabel’s blog, as some believe his spirit will rise each July 4th to share another year of fireworks madness.

Update (July 5, 2010): Cabel’s spirit seems to have broken his earthly blog, but that didn’t prevent a 2010 fireworks collection. It’s good to know that you can still access Flickr from beyond the grave.

Footnotes:

1. Another theory is that he and his wife had a baby in the summer of 2009. Research thus far has been inconclusive.   ↩

This particular product is almost too ridiculous to mock. Upon first seeing it, it may be difficult to believe this actually exists. Sadly for all of us, it’s quite real.

In short, the As Seen On TV Hat is a hat (or visor!) with a shade attached to it. Insert a media player like an iPod or iPhone into the front of it, connect your headphones, and you can view your video in quiet, private comfort.

You know, when described that way, the As Seen On TV Hat doesn’t sound so bad…

Ah. Yes.

Look at that thing! It’s like something out of science-fiction. It would fit perfectly into a dystopian future where humanity is addicted to television¹, oblivious to the world around them.

What sort of features does The As Seen On TV Hat have? In addition to providing the choice between a hat or a visor, there’s also the adjustable HD lens. This is more commonly known as a magnifying glass. And better yet-

No. No, I’m sorry, I have to stop. I simply can’t waste any additional words trying to detail the stupidity. Instead, allow me to simply present some pictures from their commercial. This is how they recommend using the As Seen On TV Hat.

Avoid the wonders of nature!

Get noticed at the gym!

Laugh like a lunatic at the airport!

Or just wear the world’s most ridiculous hat to the beach!

Maybe the vendors know exactly what they’re doing. Perhaps they’re trying to sell gag gifts or trick grandmothers into buying a worthless product for their iPod-loving gran-WAIT! Hang on a second!

Is this guy on their site using the As Seen On TV Hat while riding a real bike?

Ok, they’re in on the joke.

Footnotes:

1. Ok, fine, “even more addicted to television”.   ↩

Readers from the Midwest may already be aware of this ridiculous product, but others may never have seen Homemade Brand Ice Cream. Nevertheless, it’s quite real.

Their history indicates that after over four decades as “United Dairy Farmers” ice cream, they introduced a new premium ice cream. They state that it was named Homemade “for its use of heavy levels of fresh condiments and low overrun”. Because when I think ‘homemade’, I think “low overruns”.

The site also states “the line was the result of two years of research and 32 different test formulations”. I don’t know about you, but when I’m perfecting a recipe at home, that’s about what I go through. I wear a lab coat while doing it, and I hold focus groups with neighborhood folk.

In closing, allow me to simply present the New Oxford American Dictionary definition for ‘homemade’:

Recently, New York City-based drug store Duane Reade started selling their own brand of bottled water. The name they chose could use a bit of work. They’re calling it “New York Spring Water”.

New York City and New York State are not known as the most sanitary places in the world, and the Hudson River has had plenty of problems with pollution. And yet here it is, New York Spring Water (pictures courtesy of Ally D.):

Most bottled water is fairly stupid, of course, but it’s the marketing here which makes New York Spring Water truly ridiculous. In addition to the name, dig that catchy, incredibly defensive slogan:

It’s clean. It’s natural. We promise.

Such a slogan attempts to acknowledge the negative associations and overcome them with earnestness. Sadly, earnestness and New York City go together about as well as, well, cleanliness and New York City. Nevertheless, I suppose the slogan is better than what might have been expected out of New York. After all, they could have gone with “Wadya, scared?!” or even “Just shaddup and drink it already!”.

Behold, the Durex Variety Bowl!

This preposterous purchase will give you 144 condoms, in several different varieties¹, all in one convenient candy bowl. A gross of condoms. Gross. It’s quite a bargain though, as the Durex Variety Bowl costs just $29.99.

“But Paul”, I hear my male readers whining, “I’m not some sort of man-whore. How will I use all of these?”. To that I reply that perhaps you should become some sort of man-whore. Certainly any girl who sees this in your bedroom will assume as much anyway, so why not go with it? If she sticks around, you’ll enjoy carnal pleasures and possibly earn some spendin’ money while you’re at it.

Honestly though, when a girl sees this on a guy’s nightstand, won’t she be horrified? Or perhaps even worse, how about when a guy sees it on a girl’s nightstand? Hooray for safe sex and the cost savings of buying in bulk, but there are limits!

In spite of the incredible lasciviousness of this product, or possibly because of it, you may find it appealing. Perhaps you like a challenge. If you do decide to take the plunge, you’re likely to find yourself in a race against the expiration dates on these prophylactics. My advice? Spring for the express shipping. Every second counts.

Footnotes:

1. According to Drugstore.com, they are:
      • Natural Feeling
      • Pleasure Max
      • Extra Sensitive
      • Her Sensation
   Who gets to name these things? That seems like a sweet gig.   ↩