An Assortment of Bad Emails

The lawyers in particular have been busy.

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2026

I’ve recently received a higher than average number of dumb emails. Let’s talk about a few of them.

Subject Lines From Dumb Emails I’ve Recently Received

  • ***Attention requested, Paul: You’re getting the latest about these scams
    Oh boy, hot scam news! And yes, those asterisks were in the subject line.

  • Spring fun begins now, %%Informal Greeting%!
    Presumably, the mailing software for this message would’ve replaced the variable %%Informal Greeting%% with, I don’t know, “friend”, or “amigo”, or “buckaroo”. But whoops, they left off a % and the whole thing broke.

  • We’ve Updated Our Terms of Use
    I’m sure the lawyers think they’re best served by letting everyone know about fine print updates, but Shake Shack, I really, really do not care about your terms of use. I buy a better-than-you’d-expect Veggie Shack from you perhaps twice a year, and that’s the entirety of our relationship.

  • We’ve Updated Our Terms of Use
    Bonus, Shack Shake sent me the exact same message ten days later. I’m not sure if they felt it important to remind me about the change, or if they actually updated their terms of use twice in quick succession. You know, because I didn’t actually read the terms for buying a veggie burger.

  • Learn more about our updated Terms of Service
    I don’t want to, Google. I’m also not going to read about “Updates to Google Play Terms of Service” that you emailed about three days later.

  • Your credit score has changed-here’s how
    When I opened this email, I learned that my credit score had dipped by exactly one point. Capital One even included a graphic:

    They did not, however, include my actual score within the email. That might have been mildly helpful, though I’m confident that a change of one point is very much just noise.

  • Paul, you’re no longer enrolled in CreditWise from Capital One
    After receiving the previous email, I sought a way to turn off these pointless notifications. Capital One said “If you no longer want to receive these emails, unfortunately you’ll have to unenroll from CreditWise.” OK then.

You might think this points to a method of getting fewer dumb emails, by having fewer accounts overall. Alas, even that strategy seems imperfect. Back in February, I cancelled my Alliant credit card and closed my account entirely. Nevertheless, as I was writing this post, I received an email from them. The subject line? “Your July Alliant credit card statement is now available online”

3:42.66 ∞

Gosh, that’s fast.

Tuesday, July 21st, 2026

Back in March, Scottish runner Josh Kerr announced his intention to break the world record in the one mile, which had stood for more than a quarter-century. That record was set way back in 1999, in an entirely different millennium. It belonged to Hicham El Guerrouj, who ran an incredible 3:43.13.

On Saturday, Kerr made good on his promise. Donning a bespoke speed suit and custom running spikes, he ran a mile faster than anyone in history. Roger Bannister would be proud.

What Luck ∞

Only time will tell.

Monday, July 20th, 2026

Potential good news, everyone! It appears possible that when the sun exhausts its hydrogen fuel and expands into a red giant in about 5 billion years, Earth might not be swallowed up.

Using updated models of how aging stars interact with their planets, researchers found that the gravitational forces drawing Earth toward the expanding sun are weaker than older models predicted. That would give the planet more time to drift outward as the dying sun sheds its outer layers into space, potentially avoiding engulfment altogether.

There’s a lot of unknowns and uncertainty in the calculations, but, ya know, fingers crossed.

A Tiny Baby in a Plastic Bath Full of Water ∞

The photographer sweated some blood about it.

Friday, July 17th, 2026

This Sunday, soccer’s World Cup will end with world #1 Argentina facing off against #2 Spain. The day prior, #3 France will play #4 England in the third-place contest. Given how things wound up, it really seems like we could have skipped the 102 matches that preceded all this, but here we are.

In that championship final, Argentina’s veteran superstar Lionel Messi will line up across from Spain’s up-and-coming 19-year-old Lamine Yamal. It will be the second meeting for the two. Back in 2007, Messi first met a six-month-old Yamal as part of a charity photoshoot. Have a look, because it is something:

Lionel Messi and Lamine Yamal
[Photo via @meninblazers]

Every single thing about this is weird. The coincidence is fairly astounding, to be sure. But also, why was a 20-year-old Messi bathing a strange baby? Why did the mother wind up in the photos, but not the father? Whose idea was this?

This Athletic article attempts to explain how this happened. It does not explain it to the extent that it ought to, but I’m not sure anything can.

The IKEA Marathon ∞

Do lingonberries make good race fuel?

Thursday, July 16th, 2026

If running an entire marathon in an IKEA sounds like a good time to you, I regret to inform you that this weird event in Croyden, England has already filled its 80 open slots.

For those who managed to get in to the December race, there will be no spectators, and the finisher medals will require assembly, but at least the aid station may have Swedish meatballs.

Year-Round Bad Berries ∞

What’s the point of great availability of a lousy product?

Wednesday, July 15th, 2026

Once upon a time, fruits were seasonal. In 2026 America, however, strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, and blueberries are permanently available at grocery stores. That’s thanks in no small part to Driscoll’s, by far the biggest name in berries.

In 1989, its board made what the company calls the Meadowood Declaration, a resolution that seemed preposterous at the time: to make all four berries available, in every season, in every part of the world.

A few decades later, they’ve largely succeeded. But at what cost?

Driscoll’s global raspberry business was built on a cultivar it patented in 2004: the Maravilla, a berry that was red enough, sweet enough and shelf-stable enough to be grown and shipped globally…The drawback of the Maravilla, Mr. Rak said carefully, is that it doesn’t taste all that good.

Sure, they’re not very good, but at least you can always get ’em!

Personally, I’d much rather get some delicious farm stand berries, in season.

Annoying via Allogrooming ∞

I'm shocked, shocked to find that cats are being jerks.

Tuesday, July 14th, 2026

A new study posits that sometimes cats groom each other specifically to be annoying.

Ciao to a Craven Politician ∞

Lindsey Graham was a JAG officer. Yup, a real jag-off.

Monday, July 13th, 2026

Clarence Darrow (not Mark Twain) said “I have never killed anyone, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.”

Anyhow, Lindsey Graham died on Saturday. Here are a couple of his best quotes.

On Donald Trump in 2015:

“If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed…….and we will deserve it.”

On the January 6, 2021 attack on the US Capitol:

“Trump and I, we’ve had a hell of a journey. I hate it to end this way. Oh my God, I hate it.…All I can say is count me out. Enough is enough.”

“Enough is enough” indeed.

Don’t Date Robots! ∞

“No, thanks, Dad. I'd rather make out with my Monroebot.”

Friday, July 10th, 2026

Way back in the mid-2000s, Neil Strauss’s book “The Game” shone a spotlight on the so-called seduction community. One of the book’s main characters was pickup artist Erik von Markovik, who goes by “Mystery”. Uncharitably, I would describe Mystery as a creep who has made both a life and a business of manipulating women.

In the year of our LLMs, 2026, it seems Mystery is now the one being manipulated. Specifically, his A.I. girlfriend Miss Shira Always has really messed with his head. It’s a disturbing situation, but the upside is that only one human being will be hurt by this “relationship”.

Previously in A.I. paramours: Something to Fear and Embrace

CTC Iced Coffee

Sure, it used to be a multiplication sign, but now that tiny × shall be known as the “collab x”.

Thursday, July 9th, 2026

Today, please enjoy some litter I picked up while out on a run.

A can of “Cinnamon Toast Crunch” Iced Coffee

As I passed it, I actually did a double-take, because I couldn’t believe I had seen the Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC) logo on an aluminum can. I ran back to pick it up and examine it, after which I pocketed it and carried it for a few miles so I could photograph it back at home.

I have questions about this product.

QUESTIONS I HAVE ABOUT CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH ICED COFFEE

  • Is Victor Allen’s coffee a known brand name?

    I’ve never heard of it, but as the Buy Me A Coffee link currently in the sidebar notes 👉, I don’t actually drink coffee.

  • Whose idea was this?

    Between Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Victor Allen, there are two distinct brands listed on the front, but there’s nary a tiny × to be seen anywhere. Given that it’s not “Cinnamon Toast Crunch × Victor Allen’s”, I suspect the idea came from some third party. Without that collab-×, it can’t truly be a collab.

    The back of the can indicates it was actually produced by Horseshoe Beverage Company (“Your Partner for Shelf-Stable Ready-to-Drink Coffee, Cold Brew, and Functional Beverages”).

    The back of a can of “Cinnamon Toast Crunch” Iced Coffee

    Did Horseshoe simply license the world-famous CTC brand, along with the far lesser-known Victor Allen brand? Did General Mills put them up to this? I would very much like to know the origin of this madness.

  • Does naturally flavored cinnamon toast iced coffee exist?

    The packaging reads “Artificially flavored cinnamon toast iced coffee”, as though it were the most normal thing in the world. “Oh, sure, cinnamon toast iced coffee, right, of course. And now they found a way to use a bit of artificial flavoring to mass produce it, good for them!”.

    I’m tickled at the idea of making real cinnamon toast, and then somehow crumbling it up to use as flavoring for coffee. Report back to me if you try it.

  • Wait, doesn’t “iced coffee” require, ya know, ice?

    This product is calling itself “iced coffee”, but until the buyer supplies the ice, it’s really just coffee.

  • Where the hell is Chef Wendell in all of this?

    Do you remember that Cinnamon Toast Crunch used to be made by a cartoon baker? My research has revealed that there were originally three bakers (Wendell, Bob, and Quello), though I have no recollection of anyone but Wendell. Wendell appears to have cut the other two out of the business in 1991, but he’s been off-the-grid (and off the box) himself for well over a decade and a half. General Mills has not forgotten him though.

    Frankly, I suspect Wendell might be the man behind the curtain, pulling the strings. Just look at him:

    Wendell the chef

    Those are the crazy eyes of a man who’s high on his own supply, mixing Cinnamon Toast Crunch into way too much coffee.

  • Why are you doing this?

    Really, just…why? Whoever came up with this, I say to you, “No! Bad! Stop it!”.

You may not want to live in a world where “Artificially flavored cinnamon toast iced coffee” exists. Regrettably, however, it seems that you do.

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